Monologue Mania: September 2014

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Monologue Mania Day # 230 by Janet S. Tiger A New Movement Sept. 30, 2014

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Monologue Mania Day # 230 by Janet S. Tiger A New Movement Sept. 30, 2014
A New Movement (for the Senior Channel)

tigerteam1@gmail.com

           (A man walks out onstage, he is waving his hands, very excited)

Hello everyone in Senior Channel Land! I am here today because this is the beginning of a new age - and I welcome everyone to join my new movement - which is something anyone and everyone can join!

Why? Because we all need to!

Why do we need to?

Because we will die without this movement......my new movement is called......THE BOWEL MOVEMENT!

Yes, that's right, we all are members whether we want to join officially - why am I starting this? Because yesterday, I was surfing the Internet and found my favorite channel to listen to classical music, and when I clicked on my Beethoven selection.....Beethoven's Kreutzer's Sonata.....one of the most beautiful pieces of music in the entire history of man.....

          (He moves as if listening to the music)

........and there, before the music started, in fact, before I could HEAR the music, is a young woman, rather attractive, sitting on a toilet, telling me that if I use a new product, Re-laxative, I, too, could poo happy! Those were her exact words! (Imitates her) Be poo happy!

Then, her inspiring words over, the music began and when I listened to the Beethoven, it gave new meaning to the words.....'second movement'

So, with that in mind - even though I am thinking of using bleach on my brain - I decided if I can't avoid 'em, I'm just gonna join 'em!

I even have a banner......

             (He goes to the back and pulls out a banner made of....toilet paper)

Wave our poo pennant proudly!

Let's forget all sense of any type of gentility! Who cares if we are eating dinner when someone shows graphic pictures of vaginal mesh and enlarged male breast tissue!

Or we get to see women dancing around telling us that (disgusted) 'Pee happens?'

Forget about walking on the wild side.....how about embracing the earthy side of life? If you are a 'can do' kind of person, please join my BOWEL MOVEMENT today!

         (He turns to leave, stops, looks back, lifts his banner)

Here's pooing at you, baby!

         (As he leaves, we hear him making the Bronx cheer. Unfortunately, not the end of bad taste!)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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Monday, September 29, 2014

Monologue Mania Day # 229 by Janet S. Tiger Celebrity Sept. 29, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

Monologue Mania Day # 229 by Janet S. Tiger Sept. 29, 2014

Celebrity(from the play of the same name, started 9/2011)

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(We see a man onstage, MONTE CAMDEN -he is in his - wait, how old is he? Maybe 45, but tries to look younger - or is he 50? He is dressed Hollywood chic - black T-shirt and black suit jacket, blue jeans, sunglasses which he has on his head, not his eyes. He talks fast, and is very excited.)

The question is not how much percentage I want, the question is - are you ready to be... a celebrity?

You think I don't know what’s goin’ on with you? I know everything about you. It's my job to know. How do you think I arrived an hour before the magazine reporter? Luck? No way. I'm here early because when you sign with me, I'll have just enough time to get you ready for that interview.

How do I know you're interested? Easy, because I know you want to be a celebrity! And you're smart enough to do what it takes. (Laughs ) Sure you're smart, you were smart enough to play dumb - in front of the whole damn country!

You see, right now, only I know that you planned the whole routine with that stupid remark on that beauty contest show. And...your boyfriend had a TV friend show the youtube video......(Smiles) ...And..... I know that your Southern accent is a big fake, just like the rest of you. You think you covered your tracks, and you did a pretty good job....but if I could find you, so can others. You see, I know how to fix that. One call and that stuff all disappears, just like your brown hair and your Midwest accent did when you moved to that little town in western Georgia.

(Laughs louder now) You think you know what celebrity is because the cameras and lights and microphones have been shoved in your face all week, but you have no idea what you have stepped into. That's right, you have an amazing opportunity, you have video and aural recognition throughout this last week, most people have either seen and/or heard you! And you are going to not take advantage because you are like a babe in the woods. That's where I come in.

(He takes off his glasses and cleans them with his shirt tail.)

Do you know what celebrity is? (Gives a pause to build)

Celebrity is...... war.

That's it - plain and simple. Or really, as my Dad used to say - insane and pimple. That's right, I've been in this business from before I was born - I know people and where the bodies are buried for three generations.

Celebrity is a battle for who gets the limelight, and even with the Internet, the facts are still the same as they were years ago - people only have a limited imagination and if you can capture that, you are the one they think about. Talent is actually kind of irrelevant! Tons of people have talent.....my mother could play the piano like an angel. But she didn't want to be famous - and you do. That is the key - the desire to be ....(flourish) a celebrity! And that means to do all the things necessary, all the time. To fight - and to fight hard - to stay on those front lines. To smile even when you're tired, to be thinking every minute - of every day - how you can stay in that light - or how to get back if someone has eclipsed you. .....and honey, let me tell ya - you will be eclipsed!

You have a very small window of opportunity. It is a half-life that starts ticking as soon as the camera hits you the first time. How long have you had that spotlight on you? You say a week. It's a week ago, which is, in reality, eight days. And you are in the super crucial week two - still around, but fading fast.

What will you do to keep in that spotlight? Do you know? Have you thought it out? Sure, you have a few gigs - whada they pay? Fifteen grand, twenty if you're lucky.

I am talking about getting you onto a movie - not a big part, but the bimbo girl who almost steals the guy. I know you can act because I saw you do it in front of the whole country! You were prepared with what, twenty great responses- fifty? and you made it seem like you just thought of it! You acted stupid and that is the sign of a great actress, so you could steal this movie, and I can get you half a mill, maybe even a full one if we can squeeze the pimple for some more publicity in these next few days.

(Listens, waves his hands)

What does it mean? Okay, I'll be clear.

You see, I have a client, and he needs to be seen with a woman. Understand? You know who he is - he was in that big action movie last year, with the giant insects from Mars, and then he had the misfortune of trying to pick up a man dressed as a lady of the night - with a TMZ reporter driving by.

So, he is in a pickle - and you are the pickle-picker that he could use. He's seen you on TV and- of course - he fell in love with you immediately, and when you say yes to my representation, he will be on a plane to meet you and be seen with you drinking and coming back here to your room tomorrow. And TMZ will somehow find out about this, and before they take your picture kissing Mr. Pickle goodbye, you will have on your make-up and be ready with some more choice lines for the press....

(Building to a crescendo)You see what I mean...I know how to stop the slide! People know you, they recognize you, and then.....you are dating a famous actor. No one cares if you have any talent, but ..... You will be famous! And you will stay in the full frontal view of the whole American people! Nothing else will matter – and I mean NOTHING! The economy could be in the toilet, war might be breaking out on three continents, but that doesn't matter because YOU and Lindsey Lohan had a lesbian orgy!

Before you say yes, I want you to think about what this will mean to your life. To stay in the public eye, you are going to have to do things that you may not like, that your family may not like, that I can guarantee you your boyfriend here is gonna hate. (Starts to really build this) You will have to be seen with people, and have pictures taken....

(He spins around, building up momentum)

......and you and your boyfriend here will need to have a very public fight and possible rendezvous while you are with someone else . He will have to date others as a shield, and you might have to look drunk and do rehab and reveal how hard it was to do rehab and fall off the wagon - you will have to gain weight and lose it, at one point you may have to break up a marriage,and if absolutely necessary there is always the possibility of a near death car crash!......(Calms a little) ...and this is just year one!

Now you say 35 per cent is high for what I'm doing - hell, I should ask more! Your mathematical boyfriend here should be able to figure out that 100 per cent of 20 grand is not as good as 65 per cent of a million!

Have I sold you? I hope so. I think you can do it - you have the drive and the smarts to do what it takes. You've gotten this far by making quick decisions, now, you have exactly two minutes to make this one, because time is money and that reporter will be here very soon. And if you say no, I am on my way to the next Youtube nutcase and I can almost guarantee that in two weeks, you will be the proverbial paper under the birdcage in terms of how people think of you.

Gone. You have worked too hard to get here, so you decide - are you ready to be a celebrity? You have two minutes....

(He puts his sunglasses on and starts to walk off, stops, looks back.)

Two minutes ........to get your fifteen minutes of fame.......

(He smiles, then exits. The end)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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Sunday, September 28, 2014

Monologue Mania Day # 228 by Janet S. Tiger A Birthday Unpresent Sept. 28, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

Monologue Mania Day # 228 by Janet S. Tiger A Birthday Unpresent Sept. 28, 2014

A Birthday Unpresent

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A woman rolls onstage with a walker. She walks slowly, and is very sad. She looks up, shades her eyes and shakes her head.)

I know you people want to talk with me.....I can feel you out there. My life is in your hands.

(Takes a deep breath)

Yes, I know. My name is Enid Walker Johnson. (Quickly, she's done this before) Today is Wednesday, June 7th, and the year is 2011. The President is Obama, and I can draw a picture of a clock with the time on it, although I broke my pinky finger last month, so it is difficult to do straight lines.

And I know why I am here - my son, Richard Johnson, wants me committed, because he thinks I'm nuts.

(She turns the walker around and sits on the walker's seat)

You'll have to forgive me, at 95 years of age, I can only stand for a few minutes. And I can only stand all this crap for a very few minutes!

Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? I have one son who just died - on my birthday, no less, on his way......(hard to say).....to my birthday party! And he was the son who was supposed to be here today to defend me against his brother!

Isn't this enough? Do you think I wanted to see my children die before me?

Am I crazy? Maybe I should be!

But the saddest part is....I'm not.

I can feel everything and I know exactly what happened........Terrence was driving on the freeway, and he stopped to help someone who had been in an accident. And he must've been standing too close to the lanes of traffic, when a truck went by, and the wind....the wind from the truck pushed my Terry into the traffic, and he was hit by four cars! And it was all over the news, and at my party, we wondered why Terry hadn't come, and someone had a television on, and everyone was watching this horrible accident, and then someone said, 'doesn't Terry drive a Ford Explorer?'

And my life stopped! How's that for a birthday unpresent?

We watched the news until we got the call from the hospital.........

And now, you think your commission will get me all scared waiting for your call, whether I should be put into some fine institution for the nutcases of my generation!

Well, I have news for you all....I may be 95 on the outside, but on the inside, I am 25, and I will fight you - and my last son - with every ounce of energy I have.

(She stands and turns the walker to leave, stops, looks back)

And one last thing...... you can all just kiss my ass.

(She laughs and walks off, but we can see her looking up and saying...)

How'd you like that, Terry? I told you I'd show 'em!

(The end - but not the end of Enid by a long shot)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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Saturday, September 27, 2014

Monologue Mania Day # 227 by Janet S. Tiger Fault Lines Sept. 27, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

Monologue Mania Day # 227 by Janet S. Tiger Fault Lines Sept. 27, 2014

Fault Lines (for Crime)

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(An older man comes onstage with a handkerchief in his hand.)

Whose fault was it? Why did Bertha have to die? I asked her to marry me. More than once. At first, she said she couldn't because Jeffrey had just died the year before.

So I waited. And then she said she was too busy to think about marriage. Then she was getting too old.

And I finally just asked her to move in with me. Modern like. Like the kids do. Or I'd move in with her. Either way.

She just laughed and said she was too old for all that.

So I watched her take chances with all those young kids, bums most of them. There for a few weeks, months. then...gone.

But she wouldn't take a chance with me.

So one of them, one of those bums, kills her.

Not a surprise. And the sheriff tells me...(imitates) 'it's not your fault, Toby, not your fault.'

Hell, I know it wasn't my fault. But if it wasn't my fault, why do I feel so guilty? Why do I think if I'd gotten her to marry me, or even just move in, she would still be alive.

           (He turns to walk offstage, stops, looks back)

If it's not my fault, why does it hurt so much?

           (He exits. Not the end ....of pain)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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Friday, September 26, 2014

Monologue Mania Day # 226 by Janet S. Tiger Bertha's Pie Sept. 26, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

Monologue Mania Day # 226 by Janet S. Tiger Sept. 26, 2014

Bertha’s story (for crime)

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A woman comes out onstage with a piece of pie on a plate. She is older, but very energetic, and glowing, but quietly so.)

I'm so glad you could come and help, dear. I know it must be difficult for you to understand me talking to you like this, considering I'm dead and all, but that's really what dreams are for.....to reach people when you can't phone.

(Listens)

Well, of course I'm Bertha dear, who else would I be? What a silly question! I'm Bertha, and this is my house....excuse me, was my house.

Wouldja like a piece of pie?

It's always nice to have a piece of pie when you talk with someone. Pie and a cup of hot coffee.

(Listens)

Of course I know who you are! You're the young lady who's been poking through all my things! I'm only kidding, I don't mind at all.

In fact, I think you're doing a bang-up job. I'm so glad you could come and help with all this. It was a big job, but I think you were the right person.

You've got a lot of questions I know, and I can help with some of them. Why did I let all these drifters stay? Didn't I know it could be dangerous, that something bad could happen?

Funny you should mention that....

(She sits at the kitchen table)

Do you know how many years people been asking me that same question? Friends, neighbors, even some of the young men who stayed here! Thirty-five years. Since my husband died. Amazing. And the funny thing was, that in the 15 and 17 years my daughter and son were alive, not one person said, Bertha, why do you take your kids in the car, why do you let them drive around? Don't you know some drunk could crash into them and kill them?

But no one asked that. Not one person. And before my darling husband died, I can't recall one person saying, Bertha, did you know that since your husband worked with asbestos druing World War II, he could get cancer?

So, I never really listened. Because after everyone was taken from me, I would lie awake nights and wonder why I was still alive. Why me? Didn't I deserve to die? Why did I have to have all this pain? The first years were the hardest, but everyone helped with the crops. Then people have their own problems, children are born sick, parents need help. Then a fellow stopped and asked if he could stay for a bit, in exchange for room and board, he could take care of fixing the fence, milking the cows.

And I said yes.

Why?

Because I needed help....and I was lonely, and these young men were all lost. And I could give them something they needed. The truth. Which is in pretty short supply, it seems.

They would sit and complain about their parents, and I would listen. Then I would ask, when did all this bad stuff happen, and they would answer....when I was ten, when I was fifteen, when I was four.....and I would ask, and how old are you now?

And they would say, eighteen, twenty six, forty-three.......

And somehow, they would get the message.

If they worked hard, and they all did, I gave them the praise and the love they somehow missed out one somewhere........

(She takes a deep breath)

I don't remember all their names. But some of them stayed in touch, did well for themselves. I'm proud of them.

Others, I can just hope they're all right.

Even the last one, the one you're looking for, I don't wish him ill, I just want for him not to hurt anyone else.

Am I sorry? (Laughs) Oh, no! I'm very happy it turned out like this!

You see, my death did good. Better than an organ donation I think. Because you're going to find this poor man who killed me...because he will kill again......and I don't want that to happen.

So, have a piece of pie and some coffee....but first, please wash your hands.

(She gets up)

You think I'm silly? It's the first thing I learned from my momma, wash your hands before you eat. And I had to train these young men, too, sometimes......so, please, wash your hands.......the pie is worth it!

(She turns to leave, stops, looks back)

I may be silly, but who's talking to the dead person!

(She laughs as lights black out. She is gone, but definitely not forgotten)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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Thursday, September 25, 2014

Monologue Mania Day # 225 by Janet S. Tiger Probably Sept. 25, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

Monologue Mania Day # 225 by Janet S. Tiger Probably Sept. 25, 2014

Probably (for CRIME)

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A man comes out onstage. This is a powerful man, a man with power. He exudes confidence, and he is annoyed. He has a cigarette, but it is not lit.)

They’re gonna sue me – whoooooeeeeee!.....well that puts a lot of fear into me! (Laughs) The first big guy I worked for was in real estate, and he was full of good advice. He told me (imitates accent) ‘You ain’t nobody until you been sued!’ and then he’d chuckle and add , ‘and you ain’t somebody until you been sued – and lost!’

He taught me that being sued was like being in a war – and there were two important things that you learned when you were sued and you lost– (he imitates accents and counts on his fingers, too) number one, you can get over it. And number two….you never want to lose again.’

You know how many lawsuits I’m involved with now? Twenty- five – and eleven are against me personally.

I don’t give a…(stops himself, remembers to watch his words carefully)…it doesn’t matter to me what people think of me or what they think about my papers. I only care if they read them!

(Smiling) And they do love to read them! With all the Internet stuff, and Facebook, and Twitter and Twatter.....Why do you think people are still interested in my papers? Because they want something to look at where another person has made some decisions for them.

Don’t get me wrong, computers are great, but on a computer, you have to know where to go. Do you waste your time on this site or that? Will you get a virus from the one over here that looks funny? Will your computer crash and burn because you thought a video was cool?

People pick up my papers and read them because they are interested in the same things people have been interested in since the cavemen! They don’t have to think – someone else – one of my brilliant editors has chosen a great article for them…

(He holds up a paper and thumbs through.)

There – a chicken with two heads! Now you don’t see that every day at Walmart! And better yet, the chickens talk to each other…and better yet, they talk to the farmer who discovered them….there -that is a story to remember! And tell your friends!

What about this one?

(He points to a page)

'Teacher Fired For Threatening to Kill Students With a Robot!' (Laughs) I didn't even have to make anything up....I mean.....'embellish' this one! We did do a great Photoshop of a Killer Robot....that was a big winner on the sharing side for Facebook!

(He closes the paper)

(Thinks) My experience is that people love murders – but only some of them. Most murders are committed by family members, friends, lovers…people we know. The truth is....they are horrible, and they are sad....... and boring because ......there’s no mystery!

(He perks up) But a young innocent child gets abducted and everyone is alert! Why? Because it is our worst fear….a stranger…a monster is after us, after our children. (Stops to think) I have a daughter, same age as the first one killed.

We live in the same county where this happened. So…my wife and I are very careful – we screen everyone who works for us with the methods the FBI uses. My daughter never walks to school. I can protect my children from most danger…probably. Even though I’m careful, I know that no one can prevent every problem – luck is a huge factor in all life.

That’s why everyone wants to know what happens to these missing kids – because….it could be someone we know, the kid down the street….our kids.

(Gets angry again) Do I think that what I did affected the outcome of the case? Absolutely not!

If anything, I helped the police! I have the best computer geeks I can buy – and that’s why I had them hack into that missing girl's cell phone – the cops didn’t even think of it for two whole days! And I’m sorry if the messages were deleted! We saved copies! And I’m really sorry if the cops saw that those messages were gone and thought she was still alive….and the family got their hopes up….that…I’m really sorry about, (very hard) but in the real world, these victims are usually dead within the first 24 hours. And that means five to six. So she was probably dead before we hacked in. Probably. According to the killer and we know how much we can trust them!

If that tunnel-vision detective hadn’t focused on the stepfather, they might’ve found that body sooner – and the other girl wouldn’t be dead, too.

The odds – usually it is the male in the household.

(Remembering) I knew the stepfather was guilty – I could see it in his eyes. The police were sure it was him, but I knew he didn’t do it. (Smiles) Whoa….didn’t I just say he was guilty? Yeah – but that was just the way we write it, so you keep reading….He was guilty, but not of hurting her. He was on some TV show and he said – ‘why didn’t I give her a ride that morning? Why did I let her walk? She’d be ok if I hadn’t been late to work….’ He was guilty, the kind of guilt a parent has when we can’t protect our children from everything. It’s the second guessing guilt – ‘if I didn’t let him ride his bike down that steep hill he never would’ve broken his arm’…. ‘if I didn’t let him hang out with those older kids, he never would’ve started smoking dope’ It’s a parent thing. It was in his eyes.

He may have been just the stepfather but he loved that girl and I knew he never hurt her. (Laughs) And that idiot detective put him through like 20 lie detector tests…..amazing! That’s why I had that guy followed – not the father, the detective. See, I did it again! You thought I had the father followed…….I just love to surprise people. That’s the essence of entertainment.

(Back to the law suit.) The police love to blame me, but they don’t want to take responsibility! They hated it that I printed a story about their own mistakes. We were the ones who found out about the DNA! From that girl who got attacked by the lake. (Very taut) If that secretary …(he is very upset)….. had asked for the DNA to be tested immediately….. maybe the second one wouldn’t have been killed! It’s their own fault!

And what about the parole board who let the monster out of the cage? Is anyone suing them? And the parole officers who looked the other way when he violated his parole over 50 TIMES! And what about those parents? They knew their son was doing something wrong…parents know…..But I’m the one they’re suing….because I have the deep pockets. It’s OK, I make every lawsuit pay for itself.

You see, here's the truth of it.....the bigger the lawsuit, the more publicity I get, the more papers I sell. It’s a game….

(He sticks out his chin)

And if you don't like the game, don't buy tickets for the front row!

(He straightens his tie, thinks, his shoulders sag a bit))

And like I said, by the time we hacked the phone…she was probably dead…..

(He turns to leave, but he is still affected, stops, looks back.)

Probably…..

(He exits. The end.)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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