Monologue Mania: Monologue Mania Day # 1798-1799-1800-1801-1802 Let Me Finish Please! (5-minute version) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Jan. 26-27-28-29,30, 2019

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Monologue Mania Day # 1798-1799-1800-1801-1802 Let Me Finish Please! (5-minute version) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Jan. 26-27-28-29,30, 2019

A longer version of this was performed in October for the North Park New Plays Festival- this is designed to run at about 5 minutes.

Let Me Finish - Please!

Characters –

LIZ -50s

ELI (her father) - 80s

Time - before 2010

Setting - Apartment, a bachelor pad of an older man, but with woman’s touches

Simple, with kitchen and dining area seen, and an offstage bedroom suggested.

(Lights up to show Liz, in her 50s, going through items, shaking head, placing them in piles, putting some into boxes. Eli, her father, in his 80s, frail but with some steam left, comes into the room with a box and puts it down near her, watches her working.)

(There are boxes around, lots of boxes, and many marked for Donation)

LIZ – I can’t see why you’re getting rid of all this stuff!

ELI - What do I need Sterno for anymore? We don’t go camping.

LIZ - I hated camping. I like having a real toilet nearby.

ELI - At my age, I’d live in the bathroom if I could.

LIZ - Whatever makes you happy, Dad….

ELI – Keep that thought….Now I need to talk about something….important….

LIZ – Why are getting rid of all these photos? I’m gonna take them….

ELI – Could you stop for just one minute and let me talk!

LIZ - So talk!

ELI - Anyways, you should thank me –

LIZ - Thank you! There’s a laugh! You never say please or thank you!

ELI - Will you let me finish!

(She opens her mouth, but stops)

ELI - Anyways, you should thank me –because….there’ll be less to go through when

I die.

LIZ - (Horrified) Please don’t say that!

ELI – Why not? I’m gonna die (deep breath) and lemme tell you, it’s gonna be soon.

LIZ – (Not paying attention) Are you ok? Did you take your prune juice?

ELI - I am and I did – and that is not the crap I’m talking about.

LIZ - (Laughs) Then what crap are we talking about?

(Hands her a large envelope, she opens it, is horrified)

LIZ – What is this?

ELI - I think it says it very clearly on the front – MY DEATH. I don’t know how more clearly I can say it! Die? Dying soon? If you let me finish…..

LIZ - This is a….list….a list…of…oh my God!

ELI - God has nothing to do with this.

(Starts looking around frantically)

LIZ - But, where did you hide 100 pills?

ELI - In a safe place…..

LIZ - Where did you GET 100 of those horrible pills?

ELI - I’ve been saving them for years. I call them my helpers… (Older

voice) ‘Oh, doc, my back is killing me! Can I get a few of those, whaddaya call ‘em….pills to help me? Oh, doc, I can’t sleep….do you have something that can help me?’ ….And that’s what they’re gonna do now, help me. And I need your help, too.

And don’t worry, I’m in no rush….I’m a little concerned that when I get to heaven, I’ll have to see your mother again. Not looking forward to that.

LIZ - Daddy!

ELI - The woman was certifiable. If I have to go through eternity with her, I’ll know I’m really

in Hell!

LIZ - Daddy, Judaism has no hell! You taught me that!

ELI - I was wrong, living with your mother was hell on earth. One time, she was mad at me

after I had some bacocked radioactive test, because I flushed before she could see my

poop glowing in the dark!

LIZ - (Interested) Did it?

ELI - Like mother, like daughter.

LIZ - What a curse! And speaking of curses, suicides don’t get buried in a Jewish cemetery!

ELI - Fine with me, because I’m donating my body to the university…..

LIZ - What?

ELI - I think it’s considered a mitzvah….so that should balance the scales a bit…..and if

you keep your mouth shut….no one’s

gonna know about ….what I’m gonna do…..so, I’m good with God.

LIZ - (Laughs) Good with God! (Sputtering) What about that old thing, you know….choose life?

ELI - I am choosing life. My life. Not a life in diapers.

LIZ - What are you talking about? You use DEPENDS! Every day!

ELI - Those are disposable undergarments! Diapers…..that’s when someone else puts them onto you……are you looking forward to that…..

(Liz turns away)

ELI - I didn’t think so. I need your help, Liz.

LIZ - (Angry) Help you? As in help you commit suicide? Like in that play ‘night, Mother?

ELI – (Thinking) Was that the one where the mother doesn’t take the gun from her own

daughter? Where she lets her daughter blow her brains out without calling the police, or hittin’ her daughter over her head and calling an ambulance? Oh, I remember that one! What a stinker! I told you, only musicals after that one!

LIZ - And this is different, how?

ELI - Boy, I thought you were smarter. The daughter was young…..and I am not.

Don’t you understand anything? …..(takes a deep breath) ….I don’t want to see my children die. I just can’t handle that…..

LIZ - You just want them…. to watch you die…..

ELI - (Annoyed) Not watch me…..let me…To help me go with some dignity for God’s sake!

LIZ - You want dignity? What about me? What about the ones you love?

ELI - I’m not talking about doing it today! I don’t have much of an

estate, so I’d like to think of this as…… end-of-life planning…..

LIZ – (Still horrified) And what about your family? Your grandchildren? They love you!

ELI - And I love them. Look, I may not be religious, but after I go, I imagine I’ll still be around watching over them….

LIZ - Like a guardian crazy person…..

ELI – (Ignores her) And you don’t have to worry….. I will let you know when I want to do this…….we’ll have a party….my birthday’s coming up, I think I can make it till then…you’ll see, it’ll be fun!

LIZ - Fun! (Laughs) You are a real hoot! Forget about a traditional shiva- We can put on hats and have a big cake! A deathday party! (Singing) Happy deathday to you….

ELI – (Loud) You won’t be sharing this with them! Or anybody!

LIZ - I thought sharing is caring! Oh, I get it, death is such a strange thing now, not enough people die! I mean we are living longer, and so, when someone dies, we have to make it into a big deal! Unlike the past, when people died all the time, and we knew that death was a serious thing….no, this has to be….FUN! That is definitely not a Jewish idea!

(Eli listens to his daughter and shakes his head)

ELI – So Judaism never changes? Don’t they allow women to read from the Torah? And even…..become rabbis?

LIZ – You should have been a rabbi! You sure know how to talk! People could die in the middle of your sermon! That’s what they’d say – ‘we should live so long to see the end of his sermon!’ (Quieter) And maybe, Daddy, you’ll feel different……maybe if you wait, they’ll find a new med that helps you….

ELI - (Laughs) That's what I love about you my dear daughter, you are funny! You think you can get away from dying? With technology? Death is always with us, in every minute of every day!A blood clot in an artery while you sleep, a car hitting you, or an asteroid! Maybe it's the banana peel you don't see that makes you slip and smack your neck......or maybe.....maybe.....it's taking too many pills with too many glasses of Manischewitz......Death is not disappearing - it's now more of a surprise, but if you think about it, not really. Whatever we say or do, we know, that at any time - death could be here, now.....and the most important thing, death is not the enemy.

Because death is what makes life ........so precious.

And that is why......I need your help.....so that my life, what I have left, will be my choice. And that my death....will also be....my choice.

LIZ - Your choice…..what about me? Don’t I get a choice?

ELI - Yes, you do…….when it’s your turn, you get to choose how you will exit……but for now, this is my turn…..so, for my sake, for God’s sake!.... let me finish!

LIZ – (Thinking, sighs)So, I have to help you….die, and keep it a secret…..and you still can’t give me a tiny bit of common courtesy?

ELI - (Smiles) Let me finish…..please!

(She looks at him for a moment, then sighs, goes to him and they hug, and as the lights go down, we hear the sounds of a party starting, plates clanking, people making toasts to grandpa, music and then everyone singing ‘Happy Birthday to you’ which finishes with cheering, everyone saying good night – with a final L’chaim!*)

The end (*L'chaim is Hebrew for 'To life')

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