Sunday, August 10, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #179 by Janet S. Tiger Just So Aug. 10, 2014

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Monologue Mania Day #179     by Janet S. Tiger    Just So  Aug. 10, 2014
               (I started this monologue Aug. 2, 2010 - so it took four years to finish!  But the end just came to me now.  This one is a break from the Book of Teas.  So, no Southern accent!)

                                                           JUST SO
                                            A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved


            (A man comes onstage.  He is dressed very precisely and as he walks he counts      the length of the stage.)

- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

            (Now he counts back to reach the exact middle of the stage.)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

            (He appears concerned, and repeats this process, more anxious this time.  He          hears something offstage., shakes his head, shrugs his shoulders.  Now he          addresses the audience)

 I'm sorry.  They will only let me do this two times and I really need ten or, maybe I could get away with eight.  I like things to be – my mother used to say I liked things to be (imitates her)….’just so’'s very hard to accept less than the exact right thing.

My father taught me that.  He was in the military and they trained him very well.   So he trained me.   My mother, she, uh, didn't do well with this type of order, so she died when I was 11 years old.   That was very messy.  I did not like that at all.

So that's why I like things to be exact.

            (He now walks to the side and pulls over a chair, which is very careful to place      exactly in the middle of the stage.)

There.  I mean you can never be sure...never be 100 per cent happy with where anything is, but you can try.

Like this chair, it is exactly in the center.   (Looks, then moves it a little)

Now it is.....well, maybe not.   I do prefer it when I can measure things precisely.

When I was little, having everything perfect would drive my mom crazy....and my teachers....(sad) and all the other kids.

One time, when I was about seven, they tried to teach me how to play catch in baseball.  It was very hard.  The ball never comes at the same place.  Then they tried to teach me how to hit the ball.  (Laughs)  I had a lot of trouble.  (Remembers)  Then my father took me to a place where they had batting practice.  (In awe)  The balls came out of a machine and they would come at exactly the same place every time!  I loved it!   I figured out how to hit the ball!  And I actually became popular!  Because I could hit the ball, everyone wanted me on their team.   They even waited while I would clean homeplate with a clean handkerchief before I batted.  (He illustrates)  It took exactly 20 times to get it just so.  Those were good times.  I found out that if you have a skill that other people don’t have – and it helps them, they will overlook a lot of things and still be friends…..

(His face changes, saddens)  But when you get older, things are different….other kids, like Billy Jenkins could hit (hard to say) better than I could…  But I had found out that I was very good at all the statistics for the games, so that’s what I became, the team statistician.  (Very fast, a little smug)  Billy  went 0 for 12 in the last three games, but got on base two times with walks, which lowers his average to .268, but gave his team two more runs, because the walks were with the bases loaded!  So the Everfield Eagles are now 12 and 7 with only two more games, it looks as if they will be the league champions again, (slows down) even though Thomas Travers  - that’s me – has been benched for the rest of the year due to excessive delay of game…..

And that's how I became an accountant.

(Ecstatic)   I love numbers!   Every single one of them!  They are always perfect!   I almost became a mathematician, but those guys are usually messy.   I liked hanging around with other accountants.  They all dress very clean and neat, and the numbers have to be in a row  

              (He illustrates in the air, as if it’s a blackboard)

You see, my mother told us she was going to leave, and my father and I thought she meant to leave us, like to go to another house.   We had no idea she meant she was going to leave.....(hard to say) this life.

I still don’t understand why she used a gun.  From what I have read, most women use sleeping pills, but I also know guns are most effective.  But very messy.  It took me a long time to clean up after she did that.

Two months.  Because, for everything to be just so, you really have to clean every single atom in the area.  And that’s what I did.  I cleaned every atom.  Just so.

            (He turns to go, looks back)

But I still can’t figure out how to clean the atoms……here….

           (He points to his head, shakes it and leaves.  The end.)

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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