Monologue Mania Day # 200 by Janet S. Tiger A Place for the Devil Aug. 31, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site                            

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 200 by Janet S. Tiger   A Place for the Devil  Aug. 31, 2014

                               A Place for the Devil  

                                         A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

                                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com 

          (The collar on the man's outfit shows he is a pastor, and he has a book, that he holds, looking out at the crowd.)

It is a beautiful Sunday, isn't it, my friends?  Let's get a big thank you for the Lord on this one!

          (He raises his hands high)

Amen!  Let me hear you say it....A.....men!  Well, I know God can hear you because he hears it all, but I can't hear you.......(Very loud)  A......Men!

          (He puts down his arms)

That was better, I thank you, and the Lord thanks you.

For some of you who are starting to lean on their family members or the edge of the pew, I can tell you figure I am about to commence my sermon, so you have a few minutes to doze off until you hear the next amen.  Well, today is different.....there will be no sermon today.....because I want to talk about something very serious.......in our little community, there was a tragic automobile accident, where two young boys were killed by a man who had had too much to drink.  And then that man who had too much to drink was shot.......by person or persons unknown.

Now when I say unknown, I mean unknown to the police.

There are several people who DO know.  We all know that God knows.....that's why we are here.  And the person who pulled that trigger knows.........and there is a good chance that someone in this congregation knows something......but there is another entity who knows.....and we all know who I am talking about, because we are a very knowledgeable group!

The devil knows.

He knows because he has been here in this town!  He was next to the drunk man when he was taking another whiskey.....he was there when that drunk man....and we all know his name, but that fact is not important here.  The devil was the one who whispered into the drunk man's ear to get into a car and drive.......and now, the devil is havin lunch with someone in this town, someone who knows the truth about what happened.

A man is in jail, and he is going to be convicted unless that person stops eatin with the devil!  I don't care if you are having breakfast or dinner, or just a cup of coffee with the devil, you hafta stop now!  And if someone is sittin here listenin to me thinking, that's not me, I don't do nothin with the devil, let me tell you, the devil is always sniffin around, lookin for the next person who has set a place for him.....and if that person is you, here is what I say.....(very loud)......DO NOT SET A PLACE FOR THE DEVIL!  TAKE AWAY THAT GLASS AND PLATE AND NAPKIN, BECAUSE THE DEVIL IS NEVER UP TO ANY GOOD!

And if you know someone who is having dinner with the devil, or breakfast, or whatever, and you do nothin.....then you have set a place as well!

We cannot be saved, we cannot be happy in heaven someday....if we set a place for the devil today!

            (Takes a deep breath)

And let us say.....Amen!

           (He wipes his brow, nods to someone)

And now for a few words about our upcomin events, including our ice cream social, which is always must appreciated during these hot August nights!  Mrs. Lilliput.......

          (He turns to walk off, stops, looks back)

Although I know some of you nodded off somewhere  in the middle, I hope that the devil heard every word......and that his dinner partners understood every word.  Because justice is never the dessert of the devil, justice is the strawberry delight of the angels!

         (He smiles and exits, with a very special look at one person as he leaves.)

--------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

----------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 199 by Janet S. Tiger Dinner With the Devil (alternate) Aug. 30, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site                            

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 199 by Janet S. Tiger   Dinner With the Devil (alternate)  Aug. 30, 2014
       Note - This piece is yesterday's monologue - but with a different angle.  Which one do you prefer - or are they both viable?  Thanks for the input! 

                                Dinner With The Devil  (alternate)

                                         A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

                                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com 

               (A man enters, he walks slowly, he is dressed in black, looks very much like an undertaker, probably because he is one.  He is carrying flowers, which he sets next to what we imagine to be a headstone, because that's what it is.  Then he removes his hat, which he holds carefully under one arm.)

Hello, Momma.  How are you doing, today?  (Thinks)  Probably the same as just about any day, I imagine.  You don't get to travel much, now do you?  (Thinks)  Or maybe you do, who knows?  Pastor Evans says the heat don't bother dead folks like it does the living, but I got to wonder about that.  If heat don't bother you folks when you're dead, what the hell is the purpose of hell?  I mean, if someone is goin to hell, wouldn't it be better if they didn't like it too hot?

         (Tilts his head, listens, sighs)

I know I must be crazy, but I swear I can hear you sayin, (imitates mother) 'Jimmy, you just think too much, that's your biggest problem.  Life is much easier if you don't think so damn much.'

        (Surprised)

I never heard you cuss before, Momma.  Maybe you already know what I'm here to talk about, who knows.  I like talkin to you Momma, better'n when you was alive.  We don't argue quite as much this way.

Yup, I'm here to talk about that funeral.  The two boys.  Very sad.  The whole town turned out, had to open the back doors and put up a canopy cover to keep em all from gettin the sunstroke.

Very sad.  Nice folks.  I don't care if their parents are wetbacks,  no one deserves what happened to them.  

Which brings me to why I'm here.  I am not exactly sure I did the right thing, so I thought I'd get your sage advice in this matter.

The mother, that'd be Mrs. Rodriguez, she came to the parlor, and asked to be alone with her boys one last time.  Of course I said, 'Take as long as you like, Mrs. Rodriguez' because I always give folks that last moment with their kin, and I left her be.  When I come back about an hour later, she was gone, and I went to adjust the coffins.....

          (Hangs his head, shakes it)

Two coffins in one family, very sad, not many times I ever had to do that before that I recall.  Maybe Daddy told me about times when there was the influenza, but not like this.  The influenza is like from God, nobody's fault......this was bad.  And I heard she can't have any more children either.

Sad.

So I notice that she must've touched the boys a bit - that's not unusual, you remember.  The family usually wants one last touch......

And I didn't think nothin of it until I went to move the coffins to the parlor for the viewin, and when I lifted the coffin to adjust it, I heard somethin shift.  I went to look, because sometimes people put in somethin extra, a book, most often a Bible, a toy when it's children like that......I just wanted to see what it was, and make sure it was secure, so it wouldn't roll around when we lifted the coffins.  No one likes to hear noises from inside those things, do they?

              (He walks around the headstone)

So I looked, and in the younger boy's coffin was a Bible, just like I thought.  And I secured it tight, made sure it would not move around.

Bibles are good things for the other side I imagine, that's why we put one in with you, Momma.  I wonder if you read it, or if you don't have to......whether you know all the things in it, without knowin why........

              (He shakes himself off)

Okay, Momma, I'll get to it.

So I check out the older boy, Jose, his name was.  Nice kid, very polite.  His English was good too.

           (He takes a deep breath, illustrates by taking his hand and reaching, pulling out his arm and looking in horror.)

And I find...... a gun.  And I know right away what that gun was used for......to kill the man who drunk drove his truck into those two boys.  You see, the police never found that gun, and that was a big thing  but I now knew where it was.

And I also knew Jorge didn't do it, he just ain't that kinda man.  But his wife, now, she's a steely one, you woulda liked her, Momma.

          (Listens)

Okay, okay, I'm gettin there.  Pastor Evans tells us we all gonna be eatin dinner with the devil if we do bad things.....I don't wanna eat dinner with the devil.  Amaleen is bad enough.  I wasn't sure what to do, but you always told me to tell the truth, not to say it's an oak coffin,  it it's really just a pine box.   That's why I.....I turned in the gun.

          (Sighs)

Did I do the right thing?   I kept an innocent man from goin to prison, but now his wife is prob'ly gonna go.   How much punishment does one person need?  Wasn't losing their only two children enough?  I know only Jesus can be the judge, and I had to do the right thing, I had to tell the sheriff!
(Gets really agitated)  Momma, you always could figure these things out, (getting loud) yes, I know it did the right thing!  I won't be havin dinner with the devil!

        (He is very affected by this, and shakes his whole body as if there was rain on him.)

Whew......I suppose that's why I keep on comin out here to talk with you, Momma, you always was good at figurin things out........Guess it's time to head back.  Everyone sends their love.  I'll bring the grandkids out next year, when they're a bit older.    Sleep tight, Momma, (laughs sadly) don't let the bedbugs bite!

        (He turns to leave, stops, looks back)
    
I guess there was one thing I forgot to ask you.......if what I did was so right.....why do I feel so bad?

       (He stares at the headstone, then puts his hat back on and walks slowly off.  The end.)



--------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

----------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 198 by Janet S. Tiger Dinner With the Devil Aug. 29, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site                            

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 198 by Janet S. Tiger   Dinner With the Devil Aug. 29, 2014

                                Dinner With The Devil

                                         A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

                                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com 

               (A man enters, he walks slowly, he is dressed in black, looks very much like an undertaker, probably because he is one.  He is carrying flowers, which he sets next to what we imagine to be a headstone, because that's what it is.  Then he removes his hat, which he holds carefully under one arm.)

Hello, Momma.  How are you doing, today?  (Thinks)  Probably the same as just about any day, I imagine.  You don't get to travel much, now do you?  (Thinks)  Or maybe you do, who knows?  Pastor Evans says the heat don't bother dead folks like it does the living, but I got to wonder about that.  If heat don't bother you folks when you're dead, what the hell is the purpose of hell?  I mean, if someone is goin to hell, wouldn't heat have to be an issue?

         (Tilts his head, listens, sighs)

I know I must be crazy, but I swear I can hear you sayin, (imitates mother)'Jimmy, you just think too much, that's your biggest problem.  Life is much easier if you don't think so damn much.'

        (Surprised)

I never heard you cuss before, Momma.  Maybe you already know what I'm here to talk about, who knows.  I like talkin to you Momma, better'n when you was alive.  We don't argue quite as much this way.

Yup, I'm here to talk about that funeral.  The two boys.  Very sad.  The whole town turned out, had to open the back doors and put up a canopy cover to keep em all from gettin the sunstroke.

Very sad.  Nice folks.  I don't care if their parents were not here legal,  no one deserves what happened to them.  

Which brings me to why I'm here.  I am not exactly sure what to do, so I thought I'd get your sage advice in this matter.

The mother, that'd be Mrs. Rodriguez, she asked to be alone with her boys one last time.  Of course I said, 'Take as long as you like, Mrs. Rodriguez' because I always give folks that last moment with their kin, and I left her be.  When I come back about an hour later, she was gone, and I went to adjust the coffins.....

          (Hangs his head, shakes it)

Two coffins in one family, very sad, I don't think I ever had to do that before that I recall.  Maybe Daddy told me about times when there was the influenza, but not like this.  This was bad.
And she can't have any more children either.

Sad.

So I notice that she must've touched the boys a bit - that's not unusual, you remember.  The family ususally wants one last touch......

And I didn't think nothin of it until I went to move the coffins to the parlor for the viewin, and when I lifted the coffin to adjust it, I heard somethin shift.  I went to look, because sometimes people put in somethin extra, a book, a Bible usually, a toy when it's children like that......I just wanted to see what it was, and make sure it was secure, so it wouldn't roll around when we lifted the coffins.  No one likes to hear noises from inside those things, do they?

              (He walks around the headstone)

So I looked, and in the younger boy's coffin was Bible, just like I thought.  And I made sure it would not move around.

Bible's are good things for the other side I imagine, that's why we put one in  with you, Momma.  I wonder if you read it, or if you don't have to......whether you know all the things in it, without knowin why........

              (He shakes himself off)

Okay, Momma, I'll get to it.

So I check out the older boy, Jose, his name was.  Nice kid, very polite.  English was good too.

           (He takes a deep breath, illustrates by taking his hand and reaching, pulling out his arm and looking in horror.)

And I find a gun.  And I know right away what that gun was used for......to kill the man who drunk drove his truck into those two boys.  You see, the police never found that gun, and that was a big thing  but I now knew where it was.

And I also knew Jorge didn't do it, he just ain't that kinda man.  But his wife, now, she's a steely one, you woulda liked her, Momma.

          (Listens)

Okay, okay, I'm gettin there.  Pastor Evans tells us we all gonna be eatin dinner with the devil if we do bad things, but I dunno, how bad could dinner be after I been eatin' Amaleen's godawful cookin for, is it 36 years?, I think mebbe a dinner with the devil might be tastier.

          (Sighs)

Did I do somethin wrong?   Yeah, I know it was illegal to keep back that evidence, but, I ....I just couldn't do it.   Why not you ask?  I am not totally sure.  How much punishment does one person need?  Wasn't losing their only two children enough?  I know only Jesus can be the judge, and I shoulda told about that gun, and all right, yes, I guess, momma, you always could figure these things out, (getting loud) yes, I know it was wrong!

        (He is very affected by this, and shakes his whole body as if there was rain on him.)

Whew......I suppose that's why I keep on comin out here to talk with you, Momma, you always was good at figurin things out........Guess it's time to head back.  Everyone sends their love.  I'll bring the grandkids out next year, when they're a bit older.    Sleep tight, Momma, (laughs) don't let the bedbugs bite!

        (He turns to leave, stops, looks back)
          
I guess there was one thing I forgot to ask you.......if I'm so wrong.......why don't I feel guilty?

       (He stares at the headstone, then puts his hat back on and walks slowly off.  The end.)



--------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

----------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 197 by Janet S. Tiger Breakfast With the Devil Aug.28, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site                            

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 197 by Janet S. Tiger   Breakfast With the Devil Aug.28, 2014

                          Breakfast With The Devil

                                         A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

                                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com 

                  (Hispanic woman comes on stage, she is perhaps in her late thirties, slight accent, she is calm.  She crosses herself) 

Forgive me father, for I have sinned......it has been,  how long?  Over one year since my last confession.  I just couldn't come after they arrested my husband.  It was too hard, too many things.  First the funerals, then the arrest.  No, I had a lot of doubts this year.

        (She listens)

Yes, father, we are the family in the newspaper.

The trial is over.  That is why I come to see you now.   I knew they would not convict my husband ...... There are good things to living in a small town…….these are our friends on the jury.  

 They knew he could not kill that man even though that man killed my sons…even though that man was drunk, my Jorge is not a killer.

       (She remembers, her eyes seeing that day)

My sons were helping my husband right in front of our house, unloading the car of the groceries from the Home Depot, so they could plant the garden for me this year.  They were old enough now to help, to dig, to work hard.   Peppers, three different kinds……one caliente….very hot, another mild……some cilantro……a rose bush because I like roses…….they are pretty…..

        (She takes a deep breath)

My only sons.  Jose was only 10,  his brother only 7.  They were good boys... they were helping their father.

The man who killed them was not a good man ....my husband was horrified.... the car hit them so fast  they were dead  before the ambulance came ......we had to have ..(hard to say) … closed coffins.....

        (She takes out a handkerchief and blows her nose.)

But shooting the drunk man that killed our sons, that my husband did not do.

The police said it was him, but I knew it was not him.   They tested him for gunpowder, it was no gunpowder on him and there was no gun.  They never found the gun.

That man that kill my boys was not a good man.  Many people might want him to be dead.

He had accidents before this, he was drunk many times.  But still he drives, still he drinks.

How many more good children would he have killed?  I am not sad he is dead, I do not cry for him…..

        (She looks and nods.)

What if he was drunk again, and driving near your city……would he have killed your brother, your sister?  Their children?

I am glad that man is dead.  My husband is a free man now...... it only took the jury a few hours to decide because they know he would never kill anyone.

How do I know that?   Because I shot that man. 

        (She listens)

But I was raised to come to you, father, so I accuse myself....... of killing a bad man.   I kill that bad man and if I did the wrong thing then I will be having breakfast with the devil someday.

        (She listens, then stands up to leave.  Turns back.)

Thank you father.   I also accuse myself of lying to the police.  I did know where the gun was.  I put it in one of the coffins.

       (She crosses herself as she leaves.  The end.)

--------------------------------------

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

----------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 196 by Janet S. Tiger What's Good for You (alternate ending) Aug.27, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site                            

Monologue Mania Day  # 196 by Janet S. Tiger   What's Good for You (alternate ending) Aug.27, 2014

                    Note - Two different endings for this piece - you choose which works better for your audition/class.  Yesterday had one ending - today's is different.  Just like life!

                               What's Good for You (alternate ending)

                                (for THE SENIOR CHANNEL)

                                         A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

                                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com 

            (An older man comes onstage, carrying a stack of books and magazines, hard to carry, but he's doing it.  He is still very irritated - the same man from Day #   9   )

Hello everyone!  Like a bad dream and last night's cabbage, I'm back!

And I have more truth for you all!  Here it is!

          (He opens a book)

Right there, in black and white!  If you eat too many eggs, you will die.  Okay, the book has more pages and a detailed explanation of cholesterol and how it clogs your arteries, and how eggs are bad for you, but the bottom line is - if you eat too many eggs, you will die!

And look at this....

          (He opens a magazine)

Meat!  I have eaten meat since I grew up on a farm in Ohio - and now I find out that meat will kill me, too!

First chickens and their damned eggs, now..... cows!

And let's not forget.....

        (He pulls out the books rapidly now)

Tuna has mercury!  Asbestos may stop your house from burning, but you get cancer from it!  Sugar is bad, sugar is very bad, salt is bad, and smoking is the devil's own hell!

       (He grabs two books shakes them at the audience)

One doctor says lay the baby on its back so it won't suffocate when it's asleep - this one says put the baby on its stomach!  I say put the baby on its head!  There, problem solved!  Or, better yet, let sleeping babies alone!  

        (He throws the books in the air)

It's all awful!  Everything we eat, and everthing we do and everything we learned and even everything we think is all wrong and bad and the only conclusion I can reach that is even slightly logical is that.....life is bad for you!  Life will be the death of us all!  So give up before you start!  Die now and avoid the rush later!

       (He stops, breathing deeply, reaches into his pocket and takes out a cell phone)

Now this horrid thing, this will be the death of me yet!

       (He answers it very annoyed)

Why did you call me now?  I told you I was busy!  I am in the middle of......

       (He perks up, listens)

What did you say?  Oh, my God, I can't believe it!  Are you sure?  Wasn't that a little early?  Two weeks late?  Oh....I'll be right there!

       (He punches the phone, then kisses it.)

You beautiful thing!  You'll have to excuse me, folks, but I just became a great grandfather!

       (He starts to walk off, leaving the books, turns back)

Life may be the death of me yet - but a new baby.... that is the reason why we keep on living!

       (He skips off now.  The end of this, but the beginning of some new life!)

 ------------------------------------------------- 

 

Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

----------------------------------------------

Monologue Mania Day # 195 by Janet S. Tiger What's Good For You Aug.26, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site                            

Monologue Mania Day  # 195 by Janet S. Tiger   What's Good for You  Aug.26, 2014

                    Note - Two different endings for this piece - you choose which works better for your audition/class.  Today has one ending - tomorrow will have another.  Just like life!

                               What's Good for You

                                (for THE SENIOR CHANNEL)

                                         A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

                                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com 

            (An older man comes onstage, carrying a stack of books and magazines, hard to carry, but he's doing it.  He is still very irritated - the same man from Day #   9   )

Hello everyone!  Like a bad dream and last night's cabbage, I'm back!

And I have more truth for you all!  Here it is!

          (He opens a book)

Right there, in black and white!  If you eat too many eggs, you will die.  Okay, the book has more pages and a detailed explanation of cholesterol and how it clogs your arteries, and how eggs are bad for you, but the bottom line is - if you eat too many eggs, you will die!

And look at this....

          (He opens a magazine)

Meat!  I have eaten meat since I grew up on a farm in Ohio - and now I find out that meat will kill me, too!

First chickens and their damned eggs, now cows!

And let's not forget.....

        (He pulls out the books rapidly now)

Tuna has mercury!  Asbestos may stop your house from burning, but you get cancer from it!  Sugar is bad, sugar is very bad, salt is bad, and smoking is the devil's own hell!

       (He grabs two books shakes them at the audience)

One doctor says lay the baby on its back so it won't suffocate when it's asleep - this one says put the baby on its stomach!  I say put the baby on its head!  There, problem solved!  Or, better yet, let sleeping babies alone!  

        (He throws the books in the air)

It's all awful!  Everything we eat, and everthing we do and everything we learned and even everything we think is all wrong and bad and the only conclusion I can reach that is even slightly logical is that.....life is bad for you!  Life will be the death of us all!  So give up before you start!  Die now and avoid the rush later!

       (He stops, breathing deeply, reaches into his pocket and takes out a cell phone, answers it)

Hello?  Yes, dear, I'll be home soon.....

       (He waves to the crowd, starts to walk off)

I'm sorry I forgot to take out the garbage, dear......I had something very important to do.....but now I forgot what it was......sorry.....

        (He exits, still apologizing.  Never the end of this conversation)

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Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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Monologue Mania Day # 194 by Janet S. Tiger Crash Dummy Aug.25, 2014

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day

                                                                        - for a whole year!
Note: A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty info.
 If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please
scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here
Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site                            

Monologue Mania Day  # 194 by Janet S. Tiger   Crash Dummy   Aug.25, 2014

              Parental alert - Strong language, subjects            

                                                     Crash Dummy

                                         A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved

                                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com 

                (We hear clicking, and see a young woman with a cane, tapping her way onstage . She is blind but very attractive, dressed well, with a strong attitude.)

Hey, are you in my way?  Well if you are, get the hell out of it!  Just because I have this cane doesn't mean it can't be used for other things than tapping out Morse code!

            (She tips her head)

What?  Did you call me something under your breath?    I heard that!  Think you can run away?

            (She waves the cane wildly, trying to hit the person)

Well, fuck you, too!  You're a dick if I ever did see one!  And before my accident I have seen one and it probably looked just like your face!

           (Turns and listens to another person)

Sorry about that language, it's been four years, and I still can't see that well, plus I have a traumatic brain injury.  I guess it proves you should not be trying to put on your bra while driving, right?  Actually, the brain injury is better, but when I tell people I have one, I can curse whenever I want.  It's like a 'get out of jail' card for dirty words!

           (Laughs)  

Don't worry, I don't care what anyone thinks!  I mean, I can barely see anyone's face, so what the hell?  Did I tell you about the accident?  I was on the freeway, and maybe they should use me for one of those commercials, you know?  The one with the guy telling you to (imitates big male voice)  'Buckle up, you assholes or this could happen to you'

Well, maybe they wouldn't say asshole, but I think they should, cause I was a stupid asshole for not wearing my belt.  And now I'm paying, big time!

It's my eyes, you see, when my head hit the windshield, they popped out or something, so I couldn't see for like the first six months, just shadows, really creepy.  I mean, it's like living in a damned horror movie, but I was the horror!  Then it started to improve, and now I can see like outlines of people and trees and stuff, nothing smaller than a body.......and I can see movement.....

         (She waves her hand at the person, follows the arm motion)

I was gonna be an actress, but now I'm just going for comedian.  Hey, are you getting bored?  I can hear you edging away from me!  I may be a stupid asshole with a brain injury, but I ain't retarded!  

       (She walks toward the moving person)

You don't wanna hear the rest of my story?  Your loss, you dumb shit!  Lemme tell you, if you were a big producer, you'd be after me in a minute!  Comedy needs a blind crazy woman!  Yes, it does!  Why? Because Robin Williams is dead!   

And I am ready to rock n roll!  I need the money and the audiences will love me......(A little desperate)  Hey, don’t you realize you had the  honor of meeting a real live fuckin’ crash dummy!

        (Listens)

They're gone.

        (Takes a deep breath, taps around)

What a surprise.

        (She listens, perks up.)

I hear another one, coming this way!  Maybe it's a big producer....or someone smaller, like Steven Spielberg......All I need is someone with a good eye....so at least one of us will have one!  Should I keep that?  Boy, this fishing for producers is hard work.......I give myself one more month......now if only I could remember what day it is......damned brain.......

         (She starts tapping off, faster now)

Hey, you.....are you in my way? Well, if you are, get the hell out .......

        (She exits, but we can hear her tapping faintly until she is gone, but never forgotten.)

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      For Ariel - we are praying for you.

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Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315

www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com

Member Dramatists Guild since 1983

Playwright-in-Residence

Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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