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Apr. 29, 2014 Day #76
Monologue Mania (Note- Due to complaints, this is a complete original!)
Strong language alert
Crunch
by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved
© 2014 all rights reserved
tigerteam1@gmail.com
(Man comes onstage. He has a cellphone in his hand, the other on the steering wheel. He is irritated)
Google speak. Hello Google! Wherefore art thou, Google?
(Listens)
There you are! Okay, I want to call Mrs. Treadle. (Listens) Hello? Who? ..... No! ..... I did not want to call you!....... I know we just hung up! ...... So hang up again!.......Gotta go, light's about to change......
(He now tries to steer, hard to do, but he is roaming around the stage.)
I can never find a place to park!,.......Google speak! I want to call Mrs. (loud) TREADLE!.......Damn that horn! No.....Not Mrs. Van Horn! Mrs. T-R-E-A-D-L-E......
(He swerves to avoid something, leans out of window)
Damn it! Watch where you're going! And take those damn earbuds out! Didn't you hear someone stupid like you just got run over by a train because they...(loud) ....couldn't hear with their earbuds in so tight!....
(He honks)
Shit! (Quickly) No! I'm sorry.....is that you, Mrs. Van Horn? I don't know how the numbers got confused! Must be this stupid phone! Will call you tomorrow!
(Listens)
I think the connection is going....sorry.....
(Takes his other hand off the wheel and pushes a button)
Sorry, Mrs. Van Horn! But I just cannot listen to your bilge this morning! I said I would call about the stuff I left behind, and I will, but you have nothing better to do - and I DO have something better to do!
(Listens) Why didn't I remember the damn bluetooth! Google listen - make note to have extra bluetooth in car!
(Listens) Google now...... Answer phone!
(Listens) Are you kidding, Bethanny? You're breaking up with me over the phone? While I'm looking for a parking spot!........What?.... I should be happy it just wasn't a text? Or worse....a tweet? ......are you kidding? .........Well, you can just kiss my ass! And you can't break up with me....because I broke up with you first! .......
(He pushes buttons furiously.)
Well, I didn't see that coming......
(Just as he says this, there is a massive crash - he is completely shaken up and tossed around, with the airbag opening up and thrusting him backward, then releasing him as it deflates. He sits for a moment, takes a deep breath)
But I guess I saw that coming..........
(He slowly gets out of the car. Then he takes his phone and looks at it, puts it on the floor and crunches it under his foot, puts it back in his pocket, walks offstage slowly.
The end. Not the end for him – but he was lucky. Please don’t use a cell phone and drive!)
(Man comes onstage. He has a cellphone in his hand, the other on the steering wheel. He is irritated)
Google speak. Hello Google! Wherefore art thou, Google?
(Listens)
There you are! Okay, I want to call Mrs. Treadle. (Listens) Hello? Who? ..... No! ..... I did not want to call you!....... I know we just hung up! ...... So hang up again!.......Gotta go, light's about to change......
(He now tries to steer, hard to do, but he is roaming around the stage.)
I can never find a place to park!,.......Google speak! I want to call Mrs. (loud) TREADLE!.......Damn that horn! No.....Not Mrs. Van Horn! Mrs. T-R-E-A-D-L-E......
(He swerves to avoid something, leans out of window)
Damn it! Watch where you're going! And take those damn earbuds out! Didn't you hear someone stupid like you just got run over by a train because they...(loud) ....couldn't hear with their earbuds in so tight!....
(He honks)
Shit! (Quickly) No! I'm sorry.....is that you, Mrs. Van Horn? I don't know how the numbers got confused! Must be this stupid phone! Will call you tomorrow!
(Listens)
I think the connection is going....sorry.....
(Takes his other hand off the wheel and pushes a button)
Sorry, Mrs. Van Horn! But I just cannot listen to your bilge this morning! I said I would call about the stuff I left behind, and I will, but you have nothing better to do - and I DO have something better to do!
(Listens) Why didn't I remember the damn bluetooth! Google listen - make note to have extra bluetooth in car!
(Listens) Google now...... Answer phone!
(Listens) Are you kidding, Bethanny? You're breaking up with me over the phone? While I'm looking for a parking spot!........What?.... I should be happy it just wasn't a text? Or worse....a tweet? ......are you kidding? .........Well, you can just kiss my ass! And you can't break up with me....because I broke up with you first! .......
(He pushes buttons furiously.)
Well, I didn't see that coming......
(Just as he says this, there is a massive crash - he is completely shaken up and tossed around, with the airbag opening up and thrusting him backward, then releasing him as it deflates. He sits for a moment, takes a deep breath)
But I guess I saw that coming..........
(He slowly gets out of the car. Then he takes his phone and looks at it, puts it on the floor and crunches it under his foot, puts it back in his pocket, walks offstage slowly.
The end. Not the end for him – but he was lucky. Please don’t use a cell phone and drive!)
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