Saturday, April 26, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #73 by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 Betcha

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Apr. 26, 2014 Day #73 Monologue Mania 

                                                     by Janet S. Tiger
                                         © 2014 all rights reserved

            (A woman walks onstage.  She is smoking.  She waves at the audience.)

Hiya!  This is Gamblers Anonymous.  My name is Agatha, and I am an addict…..I also like to take things I haven’t paid for yet, but that’s another meeting.

            (Takes a deep puff of the cigarette.)

As you can see, I am an addict of several things – one of them is these….

            (She waves the cigarette around)

I also have other addictions – but I have trouble remembering them all because I also have ADD – and its brother, ADHD, which together gets me a little bit of OCD, which is why I say I have COPD – because my OCD makes me smoke – over and over again.

(Thinks)  Hmm, does that make me an alphabet soup of problems?......(Scratches her head)

Now why am I here?  You’ll have to excuse me, you see all the medicine for all my problems give me CRS  - which stands for….Can’t Remember Sh…..

            (Looks at someone in audience, nods)

Okay, okay…I’ll watch my Ps and Qs…..Hey, more letters!  I graduated with a BS and became an RN!

            (Laughs, starts to cough, almost chokes)

Ooh, if I keep doing that, I’ll be SOL!  

            (Tries to stop coughing by lighting a cigarette – not easy when one is coughing, as the light goes out often – finally taking a deep breath and getting some control.

BTW -  I have a BFF who says that I should stop smoking these things – but I don’t listen to her because she’s an A-S-S!


Okay, okay, I get it!  Original introductions are frowned upon here at GA!

            (Takes another deep breath of cigarette smoke)

What was I saying?  So, I am an addict…..I am a gambler……

Betcha can’t tell if I haven’t gambled this week!

            (Laughs, stops quickly)

Sorry, I just want everyone to know that I did NOT gamble this week, unless you consider smoking to be gambling, which some people tell me it is, and I do not agree with.  This is still my body!  I’ve been through eighteen surgeries – from my back to my elbow to my toe to my neck, and everywhere in between!

And if I want to keep smoking these damn things I will do that!  Because it is the only damned pleasure I have!  I can’t gamble, and I can’t eat foods that have the letters A to Z in them, and I can barely pee anymore, and maybe I smoke because it’s the last thing I can do for myself without some damned machine being stuck into my body!

            (She stands up tall)

And if all of you don’t like sitting outside for these meetings so I can smoke, because my rich old daddy paid for this whole center, then go to some other damned meeting!

            (Takes a deep breath of smoke, blows it out)

There my friends, you have it, the truth, like you never hear it on the news!  Welcome to Gamblers Anonymous……which usually works for a lot of people……and now....lets have a great meeting!  

            (She takes the cigarette and stubs it out, coughing and choking as she leaves. The end…. just don’t bet on it)

Janet S. Tiger    858-274-9678
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

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