Monologue Mania: April 2014

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #77 by Janet S. Tiger Until (c) 2014

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Apr. 30, 2014 Day #77 Monologue Mania Until

Until

by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A woman comes out onstage. She is sweeping and she is cheerful – her age is unimportant, but it is clear that she is no longer young.)

(Happy) I’m having such a good time!

My mother used to tell me that you have to get something done before you can play. Her exact words….(imitates a mother, but not harsh) ‘Sue Ellen Wilkins and Harold Jonathan Wilkins, you may not go and play UNTIL you have finished your chores’

And I would have to make my bed, and either wash the dishes or sweep the floor.

I hated washing the dishes, so I would switch with my younger brother, Harold, and I would sweep and he would wash and we would talk a bit until we were both done, and then we could run out and he would play ball with his friends, and I would go to my best friend Sally Ormand’s house and we would play with her dolls for hours, until it was time for dinner.

And then, after dinner, (imitates mother’s voice) ‘No dessert UNTIL we finish cleaning up!’

It was a very simple thing I learned.

And so I sweep.

I also learned that if I did the same thing with all the parts of my life, my life was also simpler.

(With each upcoming idea, she will make a new ‘sweep.’

I would not feel that I was ready for the test until I had gotten an A. And I was not happy until Edward Carruthers asked me to marry him, and then I would not feel secure until escrow closed and we had the house. And I would not feel fully successful until the children were in school.

And I would worry until they had graduated from college, and gotten married, and I would not rest until I had taken care of Edward, and he was all healed…..(quieter) or buried….. and all the dishes put away.

And I would not feel that everything was all right until I got all my affairs in order before I died.

(Happier again) And now, I know that I will not be ready to go back to earth until I have finished cleaning this big mess up here in Heaven, because, even though they say things are beautiful, and …..

(She looks up)

I am not complaining, God, just commenting! Because it is truly beautiful here, but someone has to pick up after all those angels! And I actually found out, that when I have an ‘until’ – I am most happy – and since I had a whole lifetime of ‘untils’ – I was really happy for every day of my life.

(She looks around, takes a deep breath and smiles, taps her broom on the floor)

So, please – (shaking a finger at the audience) PLEASE - don’t trek in any of those clouds here, please, I just swept! And, until it’s all cleaned up, UNTIL it’s absolutely spotless, I will be watching you!

(She smiles and waves, sweeping off the stage, we hear her humming…..’Happy trails to you, UNTIL we meet again….. The end.)

Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #76 alternate post by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 Crunch

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Apr. 29, 2014 Day #76 Monologue Mania (Note- Due to complaints, this is a complete original!)

Strong language alert

Crunch

by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved

                                                tigerteam1@gmail.com

(Man comes onstage. He has a cellphone in his hand, the other on the steering wheel. He is irritated)

Google speak. Hello Google! Wherefore art thou, Google?

   (Listens)

There you are! Okay, I want to call Mrs. Treadle. (Listens) Hello? Who? ..... No! ..... I did not want to call you!....... I know we just hung up! ...... So hang up again!.......Gotta go, light's about to change......

   (He now tries to steer, hard to do, but he is roaming around the stage.)

I can never find a place to park!,.......Google speak! I want to call Mrs. (loud) TREADLE!.......Damn that horn! No.....Not Mrs. Van Horn! Mrs. T-R-E-A-D-L-E......

           (He swerves to avoid something, leans out of window)

Damn it! Watch where you're going! And take those damn earbuds out! Didn't you hear someone stupid like you just got run over by a train because they...(loud) ....couldn't hear with their earbuds in so tight!....

            (He honks)

Shit! (Quickly) No! I'm sorry.....is that you, Mrs. Van Horn? I don't know how the numbers got confused! Must be this stupid phone! Will call you tomorrow!

             (Listens)

I think the connection is going....sorry.....

             (Takes his other hand off the wheel and pushes a button)

Sorry, Mrs. Van Horn!   But I just cannot listen to your bilge this morning! I said I would call about the stuff I left behind, and I will, but you have nothing better to do - and I DO have something better to do!

(Listens) Why didn't I remember the damn bluetooth! Google listen - make note to have extra bluetooth in car!

(Listens) Google now...... Answer phone!

(Listens) Are you kidding, Bethanny? You're breaking up with me over the phone? While I'm looking for a parking spot!........What?.... I should be happy it just wasn't a text? Or worse....a tweet?   ......are you kidding? .........Well, you can just kiss my ass!   And you can't break up with me....because I broke up with you first!   .......

               (He pushes buttons furiously.)

Well, I didn't see that coming......

                (Just as he says this, there is a massive crash - he is completely shaken up and tossed around, with the airbag opening up and thrusting him backward, then releasing him as it deflates. He sits for a moment, takes a deep breath)

But I guess I saw that coming..........

(He slowly gets out of the car. Then he takes his phone and looks at it, puts it on the floor and crunches it under his foot, puts it back in his pocket, walks offstage slowly.

The end. Not the end for him – but he was lucky. Please don’t use a cell phone and drive!)

Monologue Mania Day #76 by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 President Bird

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President Bird

by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(The stage is open, and to the sounds of 'Hail to the Chief' struts out what we will see is a very, very large bird. For the purposes of ease of production, this bird may have the anthropomorphic elements of a human. But whatever is done, it is very important to understand that we are now meeting....President Bird, who is, as we can see, a truly angry bird.)

BIRD- (Angry,very angry)

There you are. This address will be short. You humans need to understand that what we have here is a failure to communicate - so I will make this very clear. (Slowly, very loud) WE ARE AT WAR!

There. it's official. You may have suspected that the Royal Order of Birds has been at odds with humans for many years now.

We have shown our contempt for your society with our concerted aerial attacks on your weapons of mass destruction- in other words - your suspicions have now been affirmed - we deliberately target your odoriferous transportation vehicles! (Calmer) We crap on your cars.

But our defense of nature has gone on relatively unnoticed by you humans, you shake your puny appendages at us as we fly away, laughing - you may call it cackling, but we both know the truth.

Our efforts have been mostly in vain - your vehicles proliferate with amazing rapidity. Rabbits and rats have nothing on your cars – the reproductive power of the automobile is astonishing! There are rumors from birds in some of our regions - what you call the Midwest, parts of China.....that these monstrosities that move and belch horrid smells are actually not living things, although they appear to breath. That they are formed in extremely large structures created by you humans.....structures that somehow replicate these almost indestructible, inedible creatures to a stunning quantity. These are only rumors of course because others of our culture have sworn under oath that they have seen your very large box-like devices actually give birth to the vehicles we see and smell every day.

And they are....everywhere!

Our penguin battalions have reported versions at all ends of these great planet we all live on - our aerial crews have given reliable testimony that these ....these living dead now have spread - using your floating monstrosities -to every location possible- to the mountains and the valleys via the oceans white with foam.....but I digress.

For this declaration of war to be fair, we will now tell you why we are at war.

You may have guessed that your continued, incessant disrespect has exacerbated this problem. Did you think we couldn't hear what you call all of our brothers in wings? (With contempt) Bird-brain! For your edification, our brains fit perfectly in our bodies - we are not the ones smashing these WMDs into each other - which results in your brains- and other body parts- being splattered all over the ground!

And what about the silliness of…(says with contempt) 'One swallow does not make a spring?” You should know by now that a bird in the hand is worth two of your Presidents Bush!

And what about these specist sayings that even your young repeat with impunity, not knowing the pain they inflict on our tiny little but very powerful ears!

Birds and the bees – are we only good enough for one letter out of your alphabet?

‘Feed the Birds’ (thoughtful) I did like that song. (Back to himself) Yes, you throw us scraps - bird food. A musical named after us. A prophetic movie named after us – Alfred knew because he was, as you put it, a strange bird.

But the verbal attacks continue -

Fowl weather! As if we are to blame for global warming!

Bird of ill omen, birds of a feather, never a kind word about the bird have I heard…..

And the saddest one – killing two birds with one song – softly

But the continuous, expanding and inexcusable murder of our brethren to feed your need to eat flesh - the collection and breeding of our poorly engineered chickens - who, unable to fly and escape are herded into tiny rooms, forced to give our youth, our eggs to feed you humans, and, then, because you…humans are never satisfied…they have to give the ultimate sacrifice -their entire bodies! Not enough that we can provide eggs – oh, no, we have to be murdered, then breaded and fried and served up to your masses while watching ridiculous games like…..(spits it out)…..foosball! (Takes deep breath, wipes an eye.)

It’s simply put - Murder Most Fowl – said by that favorite character of mine - Omelet

I could continue - but the horror makes me stop. Now we will force you to stop!

I may not be gaunt, but I am throwing down the gauntlet.

(Angry, building) And when I say I, I mean WE! There aren’t a few of us – there are billions – and if you think you know what angry is from those stupid games in your hands, let me tell you, you don’t know what angry is!

We are aiming for you! For YOUR car! Better make sure there are extra clothes in your trunk because when our squadrons attack, there is no washer fluid able to keep your windows clean! We will attack you as you leave your garages, we will attack as you park your cars, we will attack as you bring home your buckets of our Kentucky Fried Friends! We will never give up, we will never surrender! (A crescendo of fury)

There, you have our treatise – now, every time you see a spot on your windshield, your bumper, (ominous) ….you head, you will think twice …..about befouling our air, that we share with you….you will think twice about…..about eating us. (Deep breath) Why do I think I have the right to chirp to you this way? (Smiles) Because we were here first!

(Stands up straight and tall)

There, I feel all...fluttery now!

I think I need to go...take a bath....

(As he leaves, he turns back smiling)

I forgot my favorite expression, so here it is…… Nevermore!

(He flips the audience the bird, and swoops off the stage, humming as he goes, the national anthem for birds - ‘Be kind to your fine-feathered friends, For a duck may be somebody’s mother…’)

The end

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Monday, April 28, 2014

Monologue Mania Day #75 by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 Does This Outfit Make Me Look Dead? (version 2)

-------------------------------Apr. 28, 2014 Day #75 Monologue Mania

Does This Outfit Make Me Look Dead? (version #2)

by Janet S. Tiger
© 2014 all rights reserved

tigerteam1@gmail.com

(A teenage girl comes onstage. And she is clearly worried. She speaks quietly.)

I was wondering if you could help me.

I'm...looking for a dress. A prom dress. This is going to be my first prom.....it's very special.

(She looks around)

Do you have anything in.....black?

I know, black is a bit different, but you, see, I'm different. My boyfriend - he's a very sweet guy. He asked me to in such a nice way....right in front of the whole cafeteria, he and his friends sang me this song.'Will You Go With Me?...(Smiling) I'll never forget that. And I helped with the prom - the decorations, and the band is my friend's group, so this is going to be a special night.

(She listens, takes a dress and holds it to herself, twirls around.)

This one looks good, I think I'll try it on!

(She whirls away, walks back in, she has the dress on now, walks with a regal air, then listens and laughs)

No, I'm not into that goth stuff!

Why do I want a black dress?

Well, that's an interesting story.

You see, my boyfriend and I have been going together for a about a year, and I never figured another guy would ask me out.....but then Zachary did, and he's just a friend, and it was a total surprise! I never thought he would do anything like that, but he did, and he looked so cute, but then I reminded him about my boyfriend, who he knows, so that couldn't have news to him...

(She is quiet)

And then when I had to say no, he looked so sad. I gave him a hug and told him another girl would be happy to go.

And then......(takes a deep breath)

Then he said, well, you're the only girl for me.....and if I can't have you.....

(She gasps, remembering)

And he took out this knife and stabbed me.....

(She grabs her stomach)

And it was the strangest sensation! And I could see the blood and then he slit his wrist and grabbed me and we fell down, and I.....we......died.

So.......I guess, maybe it's not what I expected, but I am going to the prom after all......I'm just wondering if .......

(She is quiet)

If this dress makes me look dead?

(She whirls around, then out the door. The end.)

Janet S. Tiger 858-274-9678
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8