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Monologue Mania Day # 1330 Our Only Hope (monologue) by Janet S. Tiger (c) Oct. 5, 2017
For other pieces from Two Sisters, please see Days # 467, 468, 486-8, 498-501, 517, 605, 690-1, 720, 758
Our Only Hope
The duo version (which will be in the play) is below - this is a composite of the two sisters, but Pam gets this one!)
Thank you, I think ' That' is actually a good idea! And it's perfect, just in time for Halloween! Now, if I had more time, we could reminisce about our Halloween experiences.....but I have to go.....
Where? Isn't it obvious.... I have something more important to do....I need to find....an orange potty seat!
(She exits laughing. Lights down.....with a hint of an orange circle at the end)
LYNN - That's actually a good idea! And it's perfect, just in time for Halloween! Now, if I had more time, we could reminisce about our Halloween experiences.....but I have to go.....
PAM - But, it's your turn to stay with Daddy!
LYNN - Oh, no, I have something more important to do....I need to find....an orange potty seat!
(She exits laughing. Lights down.....with a hint of an orange circle at the end)
(monologue for Two Sisters)
by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2017 all rights reserved
tigerteam1@gmail.com
What is the problem? Are you making fun of me? No, this is not the latest shooting that happened, or the potential nuclear war with North Korea - it's much worse! Those are distant problems! Problems that are on the Internet or TV! This is a REAL problem! A problem here and NOW! A problem of monumental proportions! This is a problem....of....a stain!
(Listens, shakes head)
Yes, a human stain! and by the way, that was an awful movie...no, the stain is....(whispering) the stain is on the toilet seat!
(Getting more annoyed)
Yes, you showed me how to use the bleach! But that was then, this is now! The bleach isn't working! The stain....may be...permanent! And please don't tell me to get Daddy a new toilet seat....again. Remember how we did it last time, God, it was only three months ago? is your mind going, too?
(Horrified) Of course I remember, didn't I have to return the seat? Didn't you make me go through the mortification of that experience? And the face of that employee at Home Depot - I'll never forget it!
(Amazed) I am not going to stake out that store so I can pick a time when there's another employee to be mortified with!
(Waving the other away) You laugh, why don't you do it - I know it doesn't bother you, nothing does!...but please remember.... It bothers Daddy, too!
He is still civilized, he pretends he doesn't care!
And for that matter, everyone should care! Toilet seats should be WHITE! They should not be ORANGE!
And I am not..... Picky, picky, picky...well, maybe a little.....but here is one other way.....
(Difficult to say)
Maybe you could get Daddy to stop.....
Not stop using the toilet! I never said that..... and no, he cannot go outside......the city is now frowning on that, what with the hepatitis outbreak and all....
(Listens) What is my suggestion! It's simple, Daddy, has to.......stop drinking prune juice!
(She purses her lips and folds her arms)
But it would work! And as for Daddy exploding, that is horrible.....and I don't think it would happen.
(Listens) And I am not thinking of ways to torture you and Daddy!
And I don't care what you say, I cannot ignore it! You know I hate the smell of bleach! And how can you tell me not to look - what about ME when I sit down on the toilet?
Stop laughing!
(Listens, shakes head)
Yes, a human stain! and by the way, that was an awful movie...no, the stain is....(whispering) the stain is on the toilet seat!
(Getting more annoyed)
Yes, you showed me how to use the bleach! But that was then, this is now! The bleach isn't working! The stain....may be...permanent! And please don't tell me to get Daddy a new toilet seat....again. Remember how we did it last time, God, it was only three months ago? is your mind going, too?
(Horrified) Of course I remember, didn't I have to return the seat? Didn't you make me go through the mortification of that experience? And the face of that employee at Home Depot - I'll never forget it!
(Amazed) I am not going to stake out that store so I can pick a time when there's another employee to be mortified with!
(Waving the other away) You laugh, why don't you do it - I know it doesn't bother you, nothing does!...but please remember.... It bothers Daddy, too!
He is still civilized, he pretends he doesn't care!
And for that matter, everyone should care! Toilet seats should be WHITE! They should not be ORANGE!
And I am not..... Picky, picky, picky...well, maybe a little.....but here is one other way.....
(Difficult to say)
Maybe you could get Daddy to stop.....
Not stop using the toilet! I never said that..... and no, he cannot go outside......the city is now frowning on that, what with the hepatitis outbreak and all....
(Listens) What is my suggestion! It's simple, Daddy, has to.......stop drinking prune juice!
(She purses her lips and folds her arms)
But it would work! And as for Daddy exploding, that is horrible.....and I don't think it would happen.
(Listens) And I am not thinking of ways to torture you and Daddy!
And I don't care what you say, I cannot ignore it! You know I hate the smell of bleach! And how can you tell me not to look - what about ME when I sit down on the toilet?
Stop laughing!
(Thinks, very upset) All right, you have forced me to reveal my last idea......you see, by laughing at all my other suggestions, it insures that....oh, this hard!.....The way I see it is.....our only hope is that....we must get.....an orange toilet seat!
Thank you, I think ' That' is actually a good idea! And it's perfect, just in time for Halloween! Now, if I had more time, we could reminisce about our Halloween experiences.....but I have to go.....
Where? Isn't it obvious.... I have something more important to do....I need to find....an orange potty seat!
(She exits laughing. Lights down.....with a hint of an orange circle at the end)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Below is from yesterday -
Day # 1329 Our Only Hope by Janet S. Tiger (c) Oct. 4, 2017
Our Only Hope
LYNN - What seems to be the problem now? What is the dire issue that needs immediate attention? Could it be the horrifying and upsetting shooting that just happened? Or something having to do with the potential nuclear confrontation with North Korea? Do tell?
PAM - It's much worse than those! Those are distant problems! Problems that are on the Internet or TV! This is a REAL problem! A problem of monumental proportions! This is a problem....of....a stain!
LYNN - A human stain?
PAM - Is there any other kind?
LYNN - There was an awful movie, but I imagine yours is even more disturbing....
PAM - It's (whispering) on the toilet seat!
LYNN - You don't have to whisper, dear.....toilet seat get stained, and didn't we go through this a few weeks ago? And I showed you how to use the bleach?
PAM - That was then, this is now! The bleach isn't working! The stain....may be...permanent!
LYNN - So, we'll have to get Daddy a new toilet seat....again. Remember how we did it last time, God, it was only three months ago? is your mind going, too?
PAM - Of course I remember, didn't I have to return the seat? Didn't you make me go through the mortification of that experience? And the face of that employee - I'll never forget it!
LYNN - (Trying not to laugh, not succeeding) So, pick a time when there's another employee to be mortified with!
PAM - You laugh, why don't you do it!
LYNN - You're the one it bothers...
PAM - It bothers Daddy, too!
LYNN - Only because you show it to him, he doesn't care!
PAM - He should care! Everyone should care! Toilet seats should be WHITE! They should not be ORANGE!
LYNN - Picky, picky, picky...
PAM - There is one other way.....
LYNN - This is going to be interesting...
PAM - Maybe you could get Daddy to stop.....
LYNN - Using the toilet? Maybe he could go outside......although the city is now frowning on that, what with the hepatitis outbreak and all....
PAM - Stop that!
LYNN - Then what is your suggestion! I am truly fascinated! What could you possibly want Daddy to do that would stop this offending stain?
PAM - Stop drinking prune juice.....
(Lynn laughs and shakes her head)
PAM - It would work!
LYNN - But Daddy, what about him? He might.....explode!
PAM - That is awful, but.....well, it would work!
LYNN - This is what you spend your time on? Thinking of ways to torture not just Daddy, but me? Why not suggest he just put seat covers on the toilet, like in public restrooms....
PAM - I never thought of that.....
LYNN - Well, don't think of it now!
PAM - Well what is your solution?
LYNN - Outside of stuffing a sock in your mouth?
I'd say, ignore it, as long as it's cleaned with bleach, just don't look!
PAM - Don't look? What about when I sit down on the toilet?
LYNN - That shouldn't be a problem....Since you don't have eyes in your rear end!
PAM - Can't resist vulgarity, can you?
LYNN - You're the one with the problem, so maybe, try to come up with a solution that will actually work.....
PAM - (Thinks, very upset) Our only hope is that....we must get.....an orange toilet seat!
LYNN - That's actually a good idea! And it's perfect, just in time for Halloween! Now, if I had more time, we could reminisce about our Halloween experiences.....but I have to go.....
PAM - But, it's your turn to stay with Daddy!
LYNN - Oh, no, I have something more important to do....I need to find....an orange potty seat!
(She exits laughing. Lights down.....with a hint of an orange circle at the end)
(for Two Sisters)
by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2017 all rights reserved
tigerteam1@gmail.com
LYNN - What seems to be the problem now? What is the dire issue that needs immediate attention? Could it be the horrifying and upsetting shooting that just happened? Or something having to do with the potential nuclear confrontation with North Korea? Do tell?
PAM - It's much worse than those! Those are distant problems! Problems that are on the Internet or TV! This is a REAL problem! A problem of monumental proportions! This is a problem....of....a stain!
LYNN - A human stain?
PAM - Is there any other kind?
LYNN - There was an awful movie, but I imagine yours is even more disturbing....
PAM - It's (whispering) on the toilet seat!
LYNN - You don't have to whisper, dear.....toilet seat get stained, and didn't we go through this a few weeks ago? And I showed you how to use the bleach?
PAM - That was then, this is now! The bleach isn't working! The stain....may be...permanent!
LYNN - So, we'll have to get Daddy a new toilet seat....again. Remember how we did it last time, God, it was only three months ago? is your mind going, too?
PAM - Of course I remember, didn't I have to return the seat? Didn't you make me go through the mortification of that experience? And the face of that employee - I'll never forget it!
LYNN - (Trying not to laugh, not succeeding) So, pick a time when there's another employee to be mortified with!
PAM - You laugh, why don't you do it!
LYNN - You're the one it bothers...
PAM - It bothers Daddy, too!
LYNN - Only because you show it to him, he doesn't care!
PAM - He should care! Everyone should care! Toilet seats should be WHITE! They should not be ORANGE!
LYNN - Picky, picky, picky...
PAM - There is one other way.....
LYNN - This is going to be interesting...
PAM - Maybe you could get Daddy to stop.....
LYNN - Using the toilet? Maybe he could go outside......although the city is now frowning on that, what with the hepatitis outbreak and all....
PAM - Stop that!
LYNN - Then what is your suggestion! I am truly fascinated! What could you possibly want Daddy to do that would stop this offending stain?
PAM - Stop drinking prune juice.....
(Lynn laughs and shakes her head)
PAM - It would work!
LYNN - But Daddy, what about him? He might.....explode!
PAM - That is awful, but.....well, it would work!
LYNN - This is what you spend your time on? Thinking of ways to torture not just Daddy, but me? Why not suggest he just put seat covers on the toilet, like in public restrooms....
PAM - I never thought of that.....
LYNN - Well, don't think of it now!
PAM - Well what is your solution?
LYNN - Outside of stuffing a sock in your mouth?
I'd say, ignore it, as long as it's cleaned with bleach, just don't look!
PAM - Don't look? What about when I sit down on the toilet?
LYNN - That shouldn't be a problem....Since you don't have eyes in your rear end!
PAM - Can't resist vulgarity, can you?
LYNN - You're the one with the problem, so maybe, try to come up with a solution that will actually work.....
LYNN - That's actually a good idea! And it's perfect, just in time for Halloween! Now, if I had more time, we could reminisce about our Halloween experiences.....but I have to go.....
PAM - But, it's your turn to stay with Daddy!
LYNN - Oh, no, I have something more important to do....I need to find....an orange potty seat!
(She exits laughing. Lights down.....with a hint of an orange circle at the end)
------------------------------------------
* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
-----------------------------------------------
This is from Day # 1329 - not a monologue
(Pam and Lynn are discussing)
LYNN - What seems to be the problem now? What is the dire issue that needs immediate attention? Could it be the horrifying and upsetting shooting that just happened? Or something having to do with the potential nuclear confrontation with North Korea? Do tell?
PAM - It's much worse than those! Those are distant problems! Problems that are on the Internet or TV! This is a REAL problem! A problem of monumental proportions! This is a problem....of....a stain!
LYNN - A human stain?
PAM - Is there any other kind?
LYNN - There was an awful movie, but I imagine yours is even more disturbing....
PAM - It's (whispering) on the toilet seat!
LYNN - You don't have to whisper, dear.....toilet seats get stained, and didn't we go through this a few weeks ago? And I showed you how to use the bleach?
PAM - That was then, this is now! The bleach isn't working! The stain....may be...permanent!
LYNN - So, we'll have to get Daddy a new toilet seat....again. Remember how we did it last time, God, it was only three months ago? is your mind going, too?
PAM - Of course I remember, didn't I have to return the seat? Didn't you make me go through the mortification of that experience? And the face of that employee - I'll never forget it!
LYNN - (Trying not to laugh, not succeeding) So, pick a time when there's another employee to be mortified with!
PAM - You laugh, why don't you do it!
LYNN - You're the one it bothers...
PAM - It bothers Daddy, too!
LYNN - Only because you show it to him, he doesn't care!
LYNN - Outside of stuffing a sock in your mouth?
I'd say, ignore it, as long as it's cleaned with bleach, just don't look!
PAM - Don't look? What about when I sit down on the toilet?
LYNN - That shouldn't be a problem....Since you don't have eyes in your rear end!
PAM - Can't resist vulgarity, can you?
LYNN - You're the one with the problem, so maybe, try to come up with a solution that will actually work.....
PAM - (Thinks, very upset) Our only hope is that....we must get.....an orange toilet seat!LYNN - What seems to be the problem now? What is the dire issue that needs immediate attention? Could it be the horrifying and upsetting shooting that just happened? Or something having to do with the potential nuclear confrontation with North Korea? Do tell?
PAM - It's much worse than those! Those are distant problems! Problems that are on the Internet or TV! This is a REAL problem! A problem of monumental proportions! This is a problem....of....a stain!
LYNN - A human stain?
PAM - Is there any other kind?
LYNN - There was an awful movie, but I imagine yours is even more disturbing....
PAM - It's (whispering) on the toilet seat!
LYNN - You don't have to whisper, dear.....toilet seats get stained, and didn't we go through this a few weeks ago? And I showed you how to use the bleach?
PAM - That was then, this is now! The bleach isn't working! The stain....may be...permanent!
LYNN - So, we'll have to get Daddy a new toilet seat....again. Remember how we did it last time, God, it was only three months ago? is your mind going, too?
PAM - Of course I remember, didn't I have to return the seat? Didn't you make me go through the mortification of that experience? And the face of that employee - I'll never forget it!
LYNN - (Trying not to laugh, not succeeding) So, pick a time when there's another employee to be mortified with!
PAM - You laugh, why don't you do it!
LYNN - You're the one it bothers...
PAM - It bothers Daddy, too!
LYNN - Only because you show it to him, he doesn't care!
LYNN - Outside of stuffing a sock in your mouth?
I'd say, ignore it, as long as it's cleaned with bleach, just don't look!
PAM - Don't look? What about when I sit down on the toilet?
LYNN - That shouldn't be a problem....Since you don't have eyes in your rear end!
PAM - Can't resist vulgarity, can you?
LYNN - You're the one with the problem, so maybe, try to come up with a solution that will actually work.....
LYNN - That's actually a good idea! And it's perfect, just in time for Halloween! Now, if I had more time, we could reminisce about our Halloween experiences.....but I have to go.....
PAM - But, it's your turn to stay with Daddy!
LYNN - Oh, no, I have something more important to do....I need to find....an orange potty seat!
(She exits laughing. Lights down.....with a hint of an orange circle at the end)
------------------------------------------
* Note: A few words about 'free' - all these monologues are protected under copyright law and are free to read, free to perform and video as long as no money is charged. Once you charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me for royalty
---------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315 CaregiversAnon.org
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8
