Monologue Mania

Friday, July 24, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #527 The Fungus Among Us by Janet S. Tiger July 24, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day #527 the Fungus Among Us by Janet S. Tiger July 24, 2015

   This is part of a full-length play called CRIME - other monologues are on these days-
171, 172, 190, 193, 219 - 223, 226, 239, 320, 393, 409

                                  The Fungus Among Us
                                 (for Crime)
   A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved    tigerteam1@gmail.com

          (This is a man of average height, weight, age......nondescript. He walks on, turns sideways, then faces forward)

Didja know that right now, in this country, over one third of all murders.....are never solved.

That's right, in 33 out of one hundred cases....the murderer is actually....free.

       (Points into the audience)

And they are walking around....like a fungus among us.....maybe even, sitting right next to you.

Think about this cheery thought when you are out in a crowd sometime.....downtown, or in a bus, on a subway......waiting in line at the bank.....who is that person next to you? Have they actually...taken another's life?

       (Smiling, goes into audience)

Because....if you think about it, in any busy day, in any busy city.......you are going to be very close....

        (Nudges up next to an audience member)

.....to someone who has done something.....bad.......very bad.

So when they say 'be careful'....., maybe, just maybe, you have to ....be careful....be very careful....

         (Jumps back onstage and turns to exit, stops, looks back)

Because .....you never know......that person next to you......could be........me.......

           (He points into the crowd and runs offstage. Not the end of doubt.....)

Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #526 Your Call Is Important (updated) by Janet S. Tiger July 23, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day #526 Your Call Is Important (updated) by Janet S. Tiger July 23, 2015

       This was originally from July 29, 2014 - but recent phone calls with companies (not to be named) have given me new ideas - ripped straight from the phone lines.


Monologue Mania Day # 167 by Janet S. Tiger Your Call is Important to Us
July 29, 2014

Your Call Is Important to Us(c) (revised)
                               A monologue by Janet S. Tiger
                                                © all rights reserved       tigerteam1@gmail.com

              (A person comes onstage, covered in....phones. There are phones on arms, legs, earpieces in ears, more attached to the belt. A phone on each shoe - you get the idea. The person is smiling like a machine.)

Hello, your call is important to us, with whom am I having the pleasure of speaking.   Hello, my name is ......, and I will be happy to help you today.....

            (The person pushes a button and laughs)

But you will have to call back because we were just disconnected! I'm so sorry, that often happens now with all these cell phones....

           (Phones start buzzing, lighting up)

Hello, your call is important to us....we VALUE your call!

Hello, your call is important to us....we VALUE your call!

Hello, your call is important to us.....we VALUE your call!


So important we spend money on specialists that design these lovely questions for you to answer! We are so interested in your responses, that we record them! Notice we never promise to listen, just to record so that you can help in our training process. So not only are you important because you buy things, you are important because you help train our employees!

Your value is endless! And valued! What is that value? If you hold for a few moments, you will be sure to discover that your call is of GREAT VALUE!

And please recall that your call is so important, that we do not hire enough human beings to speak with you immediately...... so that you can listen to music that is chosen for its ability to both soothe and annoy almost anyone at any one moment!

Your call is so important that it is almost impossible to have one call solve the problem, because we love to hear back from you! Our motto is- please don't go away mad, just go away!

Our logic is based on the studies that show even if a customer is very annoyed, if a special bargain is offered, the customer will forget all previous anger.

So please understand how important all this is to our bottom line - and if you have any question who is at the bottom of the line, the answer should be obvious.....it's you!

And now, for the most important part of the call......please hold while we connect you with our service representative........

And if we get disconnected, please call back because......(whispers)...we value your call.....your call is very important to us!

         (Turns to leave, looks back)

And if you don't mind, we would truly appreciate it if you would answer a few BRIEF questions to help us IMPROVE our service......please stay on the line......for our survey......

         (Person hangs up all the lines, tiptoes off. The end of the call, not the annoyance!)

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Janet S. Tiger 858-736-6315
www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com
Member Dramatists Guild since 1983
Playwright-in-Residence
Swedenborg Hall 2006-8

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #525 Shorty by Janet S. Tiger July 22, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day #525 Shorty by Janet S. Tiger July 22, 2015

An actor has requested a monologue designed for someone...... a bit different than everyone else.....to be used to open a show, or introduce another act.......so hope this works!

                                           Shorty

   A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved    tigerteam1@gmail.com

   (This monologue is for a VERY tall actor. Over 6'6" will be better - the visual has to be that the audience will think - 'wow, that guy is tall'.)

Hi, everyone. My name is________________, but my friends all call me ....Shorty.

That's right. Shorty. And here is the reason. I am shorter. Truly. When I was born, I was 7'4" tall. You heard me. Seven foot four inches.

        (Listens, puts hands on hips, annoyed)

My Mama swore that to me, and I believe her...she was there when I was born!.....and if you don't believe my mama, well, see me after the show and we can talk about what happens to people who don't believe my mama!

(Cups his ear to listen, shakes his head)

What's there to understand? It's simple! Over the years I have shrunk. So, that's why they call me...Shorty.

Anyhow, please give a warm welcome for our next act....___________________

       (He turns to leave, stops, looks back)

And that's what they call a ......wait for it folks....that's what they call a .....Tall Tale!

   (He covers his head and runs off.....but like love - the show will go on! )

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #524 A Midsummer Night's Rain (revised) by Janet S. Tiger July 21, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day #524 A Midsummer Night's Rain (revised) by Janet S. Tiger July 21, 2015

   A friend convinced me this needed some alterations, so here is the changed version. (Original is Day # 522)

    A Midsummer Night's Rain(revised)
   A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved    tigerteam1@gmail.com

   (A towel around her head, and another around her body, the woman enters with a cane)

Sorry it took so long to get to the door.....

It is such an annoyance having to use a cane in the bathroom! But this one is waterproof, so I can use it in the shower....

(She waves the cane around)

It takes me a long time to get around now. You think that you live in a place for 32 years, you know it. But close your eyes, and it is a different world.....that's why I asked you to come over. I would like to take a walk, and it is dark, and I do need a little help......yes, I know it's raining, I can hear it on the roof......

        (Listens)

I suppose I can put on a coat of some kind....I don't understand why! I can't see anyone, so if they give me funny looks, I won't know! But I do know you are squeamish about such things, so.....

        (She goes to get a bathrobe, struggling)

Please don't help with this! It just makes it more difficult when no one is here....

(Quieter) The tumor was barely visible on the MRI when they first noticed it.....you remember I had bad headaches, but nothing prepared me for cancer.

They told me that my vision could go at any time, but I never thought it would go ......(laughs) while I was taking a shower.

The funny thing was, I had just noticed something I had never paid attention to before......the water dripping off my head when I bent over.....the drops looked like...... strings of pearls....or rather....jewels...as they fell off my head towards the floor.......maybe it was the light that had just been changed, so perhaps it was brighter.....but I remember thinking....'oh, my, isn't this beautiful..... and then it faded out like the last scene in an old movie......to a blur......My last visual memory is of water.......in a most unusual view....appropriate I suppose in some odd way.......frozen in my memory, but always moving......the duality of life.....

Why am I telling you this now? Because the tumor is growing, and there is nothing to stop it now. No new drugs. No new therapies.....no new ......nothing.

So I am trying to focus on all of the delightful things I have enjoyed in my life, and you are one of them. In spite of the fact we have been friends for so many years, I still like you!

I know, that, midst the laughter -which is like the chocolate - a never ending delight!, we have had some difficult moments. Sleeping with each others husbands comes to mind.......but also the pettiness of all the arguments....the silliness of the competition for the same parts, the same admiration, the same men..... Somehow, with this inability to see, I can now see many things I never saw before.....yes, that is a bad line from an unfortunately never forgotten play! But it is memorable because of its ....dare I say it?...its truth.

All the brouhahas.......all the troubles.....seem so completely unimportant somehow. As if, the water washed them away. How Biblical! Perhaps that is why the Bible has lasted....not just because it's given away free in the top drawer of every motel room that we frequented in our youth.....

      (She shakes her head, laughing)

Anyhoo.......none of that silliness seems to matter now. That final showery waterfall is emblazoned in my soul.......And I want you to know that if I can share the joy of that last moment of sight with you, perhaps, you can stop being so worried about every little thing that comes along.......

         (Listens)

Well, of course I’m full of crap! But it’s a lot of crap, because, as you recall our dear director Sully used to say, (imitates) 'if you’re going to have crap, better have enough to sell it for manure!'

(Listens, nods)

Of course I am going to die! We all are, my dear, but the secret is in being happy until then.....

        (Listens, shakes head)

Crying is of no value, I invited you over because it is raining, so there are plenty of drops...come with me....let's take a walk.....and we can have a bit of a midsummer night's rainfall.....
....I just want you to see the raindrops.....for the jewels they are....

        (Turns to leave, stops, looks back)

And I want to walk naked in the rain!

(We see the towel fall off from under the coat. She laughs and waves the cane.)

I just don't want to be arrested.....

(She takes the cane and exits. Never the end of a beautiful summer rain.)

Monday, July 20, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #523 The Promise (from Promises Kept) by Janet S. Tiger July 20, 2015

Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day- for a whole year-and still going!
                      first year - Feb. 13, 2014 - Feb. 13, 2015
I've continued with a monologue a day until the spirit moves me to stop, so if you have any ideas for a monologue you want me to write, please let me know at tigerteam1@gmail.com.
If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues-
     To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.
     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here There are now over 500!

Get more great award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com
If you'd like to write your own monologues, I happen to have a book for that -
  How to Write a Monologue in 10 Easy Lessons (Well, maybe not so easy)
Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site. Wishing you much success!
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Monologue Mania Day #523 The Promise (from Promises Kept) by Janet S. Tiger July 20, 2015

      The first monologue from this one-act is below-

                                                     The Promise

                          A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved 2015 tigerteam1@gmail.com

   (The man speaking is Franz Kafka, his friend is Max Brod. It is the year before Kafka dies, and Kafka is suffering from tuberculosis of the throat, so he is in pain, and very thin.)

Thank you for your concern, my friend, but I cannot eat any more. It's not that I am not hungry, I am hungry all the time. But the pain of eating is so intense, I can barely drink anymore, let alone consider a meal involving any type of food that is not pureed.

But that is not why I wanted to see you. I have something to ask you....a promise that I need you to make.....before I die. Because I will die. What day, I do not know, but the new year will not see my face in it.

Here....

            (He hands a suitcase to the other man)

These are the pieces I have worked on recently......I give them to you with the request, that....upon my death....you will burn them.

   (He waves the other man back)

Everything I leave behind me ... in the way of diaries, manuscripts, letters (my own and others'), sketches, and so on, is to be burned unread......(getting upset) do not argue! Not now! I have no strength to fight! I must keep writing....until the end. So I cannot be distracted with worries...the worries that my work will fall into the hands of those who would read it, analyze it....distort it.

I need to hear you promise.......

   (Listens, sighs)

All right, I trust you.....to do the right thing......and I will be watching.....from wherever I go.

           (Turns to leave, stops, looks back)

Because even though I do not believe in God....there is always the chance I could be wrong....

   (Lights spot o them and freeze. End of scene)


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Below is the monologue from
May 22, 2014 Day #99 by Janet S. Tiger Promises Kept Monologue Mania
                                       Promises Kept     ©
                                   (from a one-act of the same name)
by Janet S. Tiger                                               (c) May 22, 2014   all rights reserved                                                                     tigerteam1@gmail.com

            (A middle-aged man enters, holding a suitcase close to his chest. He is slightly bent      over, and is dressed in a suit indicating the 1930s. He is agitated, but trying to control           this. He speaks with a slight European accent.)

Thank you for seeing me on such short notice. I am only in New York City for a few days, but this suitcase is very important.

You see, it is part of a legacy, and I know the world is about to be engulfed in flames soon – I left the fire before it consumed me, you see – but these papers should never be destroyed.

            (Listens, thinks, answers slowly at first)

People ask strange things of others, especially when they feel death is near. Tell me, does the knowledge of imminent demise endow the person dying with the right to ask others for things that are wrong? Either legally….or, in this case, artistically?
(Getting animated) But what if he had asked me to kill someone? Should I have done that? Just because he was dying, unable to think clearly anymore…..not that he thought clearly when he was not sick, but you know what I mean!

                (Opens the suitcase, shows some of the papers.)

Yes, that is correct. The papers were part of the estate of my friend. And yes, he asked me to destroy them. (Gets very upset) But I cannot destroy art! It is a sin! And even though he asked me to do this, even though it was a deathbed request, he also knew I would not do it, as I told him so…..he could have changed me for another executor, but he did not, so I feel, in my heart, he did not want these to be burned.

And that is why I am here today. To have you promise that these will be published properly, for I know your reputation, and I believe you.

            (Listens)

Of course I trust you! As I trust myself!

            (Listens)

Oh, but I did keep my promise to Franz! He asked me to promise to burn his papers – but I never promised to burn his papers –I promised to do the right thing.
And so I ask you to do the same. I thank you, and I must go, as there is much to do before I leave your city. Here…..

            (Leaves the briefcase, turns to go, looks back, smiles)

In case you have some strange need to keep a promise I never made…don’t worry,.I made copies…

     (He exits, end of scene. This one-act is based on Max Brod, who saved the writing of Franz Kafka from burning after Kafka's death)

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #522 A Midsummer Night's Rain by Janet S. Tiger July 19, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day #522 by Janet S. Tiger July 19, 2015

    A Midsummer Night's Rain
   A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved    tigerteam1@gmail.com

   (A towel around her head, and another around her body, the woman enters with a cane. )

It is such an annoyance having to use a cane in the bathroom! But this one is waterproof, so I can use it in the shower....

(She waves the cane around)

The tumor was barely visible on the MRI when they first noticed it.....I had bad headaches, but nothing prepared me for cancer.

They told me that my vision would go at any time, but I never thought it would go while I was taking a shower.

The funny thing was, I had just noticed something I had never paid attention to before......the water dripping off my head when I bent over.....the drops looked like...... strings of pearls....or rather....jewels...as they fell off my head towards the floor.......maybe it was the light that had just been changed, so perhaps it was brighter.....but I remember thinking....'oh, my, isn't this beautiful..... and then it faded out like the last scene in an old movie......to a blur......

Why am I telling you this now? Because the tumor is growing, and there is nothing to stop it now. No new drugs. No new therapies.....no new ......nothing.

So I am trying to focus on all of the delightful things I have enjoyed in my life, and you are one of them. In spite of the fact we have been friends for so many years, I still like you! And I want you to know that if I can share the joy of that last minute of sight with you, perhaps, you can stop being so worried about every little thing that comes along.......

         (Listens)

Of course I am going to die! We all are, my dear, but the secret is in being happy until then.....

        (Listens, shakes head)

Crying is of no value, I invited you over because it is raining, so there are plenty of drops...come with me....let's take a walk.....and we can have a bit of a midsummer night's rainfall.....

        (Turns to leave, stops, looks back)

....I just want you to see the raindrops.....for the jewels they are....

   (She exits. Never the end of a beautiful summer rain.)

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Monologue Mania Day #521 The Worry Cafe (revised for The Senior Channel) by Janet S. Tiger July 18, 2015

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Monologue Mania Day #521The Worry Cafe (revised) by Janet S. Tiger July 18, 2015

This was originally Day # 160    July 22, 2014
   The Worry Cafe (revised)
                                 (for The Senior Channel)
                                      A monologue by Janet S. Tiger   © all rights reserved    tigerteam1@gmail.com

              (A waitress enters, very enthusiastic. She is dressed with the old time waitress outfit - white apron, hat, everything crisp and clean.)

Well, hello everyone out in Senior Channel land! Are you sick of hearing friends complain about their problems when you have none? Want to get some problems to make them green with envy, not food poisoning?

Well, I am so happy to be here tonight to tell you about a wonderful new place to go - a place that is the exact opposite of that new horrible expression - NO WORRIES! I am the head waitress of....THE WORRY CAFE! Where our motto is - don't pack up those worries in an old kit bag - bring 'em down to us and we'll put them into our menu!

Happy all the time? We have the savory solutions! Too healthy? How about Cancer Canapes? We've got all kinds of specialty appetizers - - Your daughter is screwing around - try our- Whore's D'oeves! Relationship problems - have some Split-up Soup.... For those who are not gluten-free, try our Malaria Muffins or Sickness Spaghetti! And we have plates of problems -Lamb of loneliness, Deep Dish Depression Pizza , Beat-up bacon! Heaped on with gravy tears!

For desert we specialize in moments of misery! There's Diabetic Donuts, Apple pie of prostate problems! and a constant favorite - Injury ice cream!

Our menu is human suffering however you like it! And forget about sports on those big TVs!

            (She points to the 'walls')

On our big screen TVs, we have the nightly horror stories - news from all over the world - edited to show only the misery of famine and the horror of war! A sure fire way to add to all your worries!

And I almost forgot - there's the Blue Plate Special! When you're finished, you're guaranteed to be blue! and the Worry Cafe is a special, sharing place - when you come in, we want you to know that SHARING IS CARING!

          (She takes something from her apron and shows a pad around to the crowd)

.....so you get to write all your worries on these special 'worry cafe' list of worries..... And I can pretty much guarantee that when you leave....(Quieter) ..you'll take them all back......So far, everyone has........So come on down! Where our motto is....'If you have no worries, you're not at the Worry Cafe!'

   (She turns to leave, listens, looks back)

Why would you want all your own worries back? Because worries are like underpants.....they may be annoying, and painful and scrunch up, but they're all yours! And you want to leave in the underpants you came in with!

   (She exits. The end.....of no worries.)