re-post Nov. 22, 2024 with video! MONOLOGUE MANIA DAY # 36 BY JANET S. TIGER BADVERTISING (FOR SR. CHANNEL) (C) 2014

 Welcome new readers!  (And hello to all folks who have been here for awhile)

This is Badvertising -one of my early monologues - Day # 36 from March 20, 2014.    Only now I have a video- https://youtu.be/WLVTfgJvIuM with Peggy Daly performing for Script-in-Hand Players in San Diego.  Thank you to peggy,  Janet Redmond -and the whole group for bringing my work to senior audiences throughout San Diego County.

MONOLOGUE MANIA DAY # 36 BY JANET S. TIGER  BADVERTISING (FOR SR. CHANNEL)  (C) 2014 3/20/2014 1 Comment   Welcome to Monologue Mania- one new free monologue a day - for a whole year!  If you just started this blog and want to read the earlier monologues, please scroll down for the previous days or go to http://www.monologuestore.com/ -click on the Monologue Mania button please scroll down.  To start at the beginning - Feb. 13, - click here.                                     For a list of the blurbs from each day, click here ------------------------------------------------------------ Small print - A few words about 'free' -  all these monologues are protected under copyright law - the date of the post - and these are free to read, free to perform and video AS LONG AS NO MONEY IS CHARGED.  Once you want to charge admission or a donation, or include my work in an anthology, you need to contact me at tigerteam1@gmail.com for royalty info.  These monologues - and all my writing -are protected as follows - All rights reserved under the Berne and Pan-American copyright convention. But I will be happy to give permission to do a video for youtube, as long as I receive credit - like Tori Langley did -Click here for THE TOWEL LADY THE TOWEL LADY. Help  a playwright and get  more great  award-winning monologues - MonologueZone.com Thank you for your comments - and for liking and sharing this site! Today is the first day of Spring - and I wrote AROUND THE BLOCK - which is a good first day of spring piece - on Day #34, you can scroll down or click here It joins my other Holiday Monologues here Mar. 20, 2014  Day #35  Monologue Mania  (Parental alert - some adult language and ideas)                 Badvertising             (another segment for the Senior Channel)                         by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2014 all rights reserved                                      tigerteam1gmail.com (An older woman comes onstage, she is carrying a folder and she is annoyed.  She can have a midwestern accent - or Southern, whichever the actress prefers - and whichever gets the most response from the audience She turns to face the wings, ignores the audience. ) Thank you for letting me on Senior Moments......             (Hears something from the wings.  Cups her ear) Sorry, don't have my hearing aid on......             (She listens, turns to face her back to the audience, faces rear of the stage) Thank you.....             (Hears something, makes a turn and now faces the audience, peers at them) Is that the camera?  If you say so…. can't see much without my glasses!.....(Takes a breath) I’ll start again.  Hello, welcome to the Senior Channel's show, Senior Moments.             (She opens the folder) I am here today because I have a complaint - a much more important complaint than those two brothers who are always on here! Look at this.             (She fumbles with the papers, holding up one.) This is a perfect example of what is wrong with our society today! Can you read it?  If you received one of these ads in the mail, you will know what I am talking about! I will tell you - it is an ad to help men.....             (She turns to the wings) Can I say the other words?             (Listens, nods) It helps men with their.....PRIVATE PARTS! There I said it, on television, no less.              (She turns to listen) I will not say some of those others words even if I can!  When TV first came out, it was nice, what children could watch - you didn't want to say words like penis on television!  OOOH......             (She covers her mouth) Sorry....that penis just slipped out of my mouth......I mean....l....(flustered)  let me get back to what I was saying..... This......             (Holds up the paper again) Is an ad selling a product made with a special ingredient from a mountain in the Himalayas....(giggles)  Him..a ...layas.....probably why they picked those mountains.... Anyhow, they claim this magic mushroom will help men of all ages....in the bedroom....and it says this mushroom only can be harvested once a year!  And it might become extinct! (Getting annoyed)  Here's my solution so that it won't become extinct - don't pick the damned mushrooms!             (She holds the whole packet up now, getting very agitated) And why do they have to do this to us?  I do not like to read these things!  They are too long! This ad is 13 pages long and uses the word sex and erection over 75 times!  I counted!... Twice!             (Takes deep breath) On top of that, they have the gall to charge $57.50 ......for a sample!  And a six month supply is more than my rent!             (Sputtering now- listens to comment from the side)  Yes, I'm almost done.             (She neatens the papers back in the folder) And the worst part - the very worst part!             (Deep sigh) Is that.....it doesn't work!  (She hangs her head and exits) The end. Janet S. Tiger    858-736-6315 www.JanetSTiger.weebly.com Member Dramatists Guild since 1983 Playwright-in-Residence Swedenborg Hall 2006-8 1 Comment Veronica 3/21/2014 02:35:25 am Thanks for making me laugh!

I Cheat at Wordle a monologue by Janet S. Tiger (c) Oct 9, 2022

 For a (partial) list of the many monologues on this blog, please click here

Thank you for reading! 

                                    

                                      I Cheat at Wordle  a monologue by Janet S. Tiger  (c)  Oct 9, 2022

                                                          tigerteam1@gmail.com

 

            (Woman comes onstage, she is holding a cellphone)

 

I cheat at Wordle

There I said it

I cheat at Wordle

So the hell what?

I'm not in a contest or anything!

All the other people playing could cheat if they wanted, but when I tell them I cheat,they say (imitates)  ' but you are only cheating yourself!'

Jeez!  ....for some reason they have not figured something out - when you play against yourself, so what if you are cheating? 

You aren't cheating some old lady out of her life savings!  Or even cheating a bank.....if you are playing against yourself,  so no matter how you play......YOU ARE ALWAYS GOING TO WIN!

So you might as well do the best win you can…..and as for playing fair..

My mother taught me a long time ago…..before she couldn’t feed herself ...Or recognize me….she taught me that life isn’t fair.  She was right……

                    (Puts hand to ear and listens)

How do I cheat?

How hard is it to figure out how to cheat?

You play one game on your phone - and you play another on your computer

It gives you more chances

So, on one of them, if you need, you take all six shots

Then you use that info on the other game.

Easy peasy!

Sometimes you can get it in less than six tries, then they tell you ..(mimics)   Impressive! 

What the hell does that mean?  It's impressive if you  don't go crazy waiting for someone to finish their dinner.  It's impressive if you don't scream at the doctor who keeps you waiting for an hour then just gives you five minutes!   It’s impressive if you can figure out how new cell phone works…… No, impressive is not the word I want to hear.

(Shakes head, then smiles)

But you see, in Wordle,  if you get the word in less than six tries on one game, you can put that winning word in on the very first try on the other game!

And then, (very happy) they will tell you  that you are ....a genius!  

Just what I need to hear at the end of a day full of changing bandages and fixing food and bedpan emptying.  I didn’t cheat on any of those things!  I did them right.  I finished each job perfectly. 

I don’t get a prize for that….. (sad) And although, somewhere in there, I know my mother appreciates it all…..  I don’t even get paid……(sighs)

(Thinking, now happy)  But ….Genius!

The word resonates in my brain!

It even allows me the chance to go to sleep like a baby, with thepleasant washing of that in my ears......G...e....n...i...u....s.....

Like Madame Curie!  Like Albert Einstein!  Like..... Lady Gaga!

                 (Back to reality) 

So if all of you want to (very sarcastic) want to ...play fair.  Go ahead.

Be merely....... impressive.  

                (Turns to leave, stops, looks back)

Me....I will be a ...say it with me......Genius!  (gets everyone to say genius)  Genius!  GENIUS!

                (She smiles and walks off happy)

 

    

Different Path (c) a monologue by Janet S. Tiger

 For a list of the many monologues on this blog, please click here

Thank you for reading!

Different Path 

a monologue by Janet S. Tiger September 18th 2022 copyright All Rights Reserved Tigerteam1@gmail.com 

 

(Woman comes on stage. Or best would be if the lights go up just to see her. Either way we know this is a woman who has gone through something very big. Before she starts she takes a very deep breath and exhales slowly)

 Why do things change?

 I mean you do something day after day for weeks.. a month ...years maybe ..and then all of a sudden one day you don't do it anymore -you don't walk down the street in one direction...suddenly you take a different path. 

And then the next day you go down that different path again and all of a sudden something has changed.

 Something is different. I think that's the same with... when you love someone.

 Maybe....Maybe one day you wake up and that person isn't the same person anymore. It's kind of a funny thing and you can't even put your finger on it why something has changed....why someone has changed. 

Was it the new cologne? Or the fact that's suddenly ...after all these years... he is putting on a fresh pair of underwear everyday?

All I know is that.. I knew.

 And it was different. 

And I was not sure why but I knew.

 He didn't love me anymore.

(Getting annoyed) 

 

But it wasn't his fault!..(almost hissing)-it was her fault!

 (Trying to be calmer) I don't know what she did, but it was different between me and him. 

And I knew that maybe I would never walk down that path again and.. something in me changed. Just like he was different now I was different.

Kind of like you have a candle burning not a giant candle... just a small one..... but it's been burning for a long time and it doesn't have a big flame but the flame is steady and then all of a sudden... along comes a breeze .....and you don't even know where the breeze came from and the candle flickers and you think for a minute it's going to stay on but then it is out.

 After all the years of burning even in the middle of a storm!.. with big gusts of wind it kept burning.....(intense) ..but somehow this little whisper of a wind ..and ...it's out. 

 

And you have no more matches to light it and even if you did the wick is all bent over .. finished.. any warmth from that glow is gone . ...

(She takes a deep breath)

And do I regret it?

I regret only that she's the reason I changed.

 If it was a car I could have handled it ...if it was some food he liked maybe a different kind of ice cream... or...or instead of pizza with mushrooms... he switches to anchovies (She shudders a little) ......yes I could have accepted even that.. but ...it wasn't food and it wasn't a car.... (hissing)..it was her. 

And I knew it.... (she takes a very very deep breath)... and that's why I had to kill her.....your honor.

 

(She stops, bows her head -lights out)

 

Line - a play in one act by Janet S. Tiger (c) 2020 all rights reserved

 Hoping this finds everyone reading this well and getting through the corona time safely.

This is not a monologue, but it's not too long. 

It won First Place in the 2020 Script Tease of New One-Acts and had a Zoom reading Sept 25, 2020

There are almost 2000 monologues and one- act plays on the earlier years of this blog..

For a list of the many monologues on this post, please click here

Thank you for reading!  Stay well!

                                                          Line ©   

                                            A play in one-act by Janet S. Tiger

                                                  tigerteam1@gmail.com 

                                          ©  Feb. 28, 2020  all rights reserved

 

Characters-  3 women, 30, 60 and 90 years old

Set  --  A  checkstand…time…..soon….a few years AC  - after corona

 (Two women waiting in line at a grocery store.  The older one, 60, is first in line, the younger, 30, is behind her and they have been waiting for awhile – and from the appearance of things, will be waiting more.  Perhaps we hear the words ‘price check’ over the loud speaker, or maybe the dreaded ‘Manager to checkstand  3’ and we know the wait is not getting shorter.   The younger woman is getting more and more annoyed, the older woman is calm, perhaps reading a magazine.  All have Southern accents)

 

30 -  Amazing!  And this is the only line!  Why don't they open another line?

60-  Because it's 5:30 pm- the busiest time of the day, and it will aggravate us more

when we have to wait!  Plus we buy more crap as we are waiting……

30 -  (Laughs)  I guess that's true…..at least we don’t have to wear those masks anymore like a ….was that three years ago?

60 -  Four.  That was annoying…I think I still have the mask in my purse!

(They laugh)

30 -  Looks like you have a kitchen sink in your purse!

60 – (Laughs and then starts to look in her purse) Maybe not the mask, but the hand santizer!

            (She holds it up and then looks in shock)

60 -…..…..(takes a closer look at 30)  Oh, my God, I can't believe it!  It's....it's me!

30 -  Do I know you?

60   -  Of course you know me - I AM you!

30  (A liitle nervous)  Okay.....(looking around)  maybe we should ask for another line

60 -  I heard them call for more checkers, but the others are on break, it is dinner time!

30 -  Oh boy....

60 -  So we're stuck together!  How amazing is this!  I never thought I'd meet 

myself ...and in line at the Piggly Wiggly!

30 -  I think you might be mixing me up with someone else...

60  - Absolutely not!  I would recognize myself anywhere!  It's when I look in the mirror I don’t recognize myself!  No, it’s me……

            (60 takes out a wallet)

60 -   Here……take a gander at this….did I say take a gander….wow, is that putting a time stamp on my butt or what?

            (30 looks and shakes her head)

30  -  Look, my name is …..    okay so we have the same first name….

60 – And this is our married name! 

30 – No it isn’t!  I’m not married, and the guy I’m going to marry….

60 – (Thinking)  The one with the long hair!

30 -  He cut it for this job, but this is not his name, and anyhow, I’m not going to take his name!

60 -  But you are going to take the name of his best friend, Jacob….

30 -  What best friend?  I know his best friend, and that guy is a jerk!

60 -  Jacob was his best friend from college….. Jacob, so good-looking!  Still is!  And smart, and

willing to wait until I figured out Mr. Long-hair was not for me!

 

30 – I never call him that!

 

60 -  Oh, yes, we did!  – And we took Jacob’s name, because Jacob is very traditional, which we

liked after Mr. Long Hair…

30 -  Stop calling him that!  (A little unsure) I don’t call him that ….anymore!

60  -  But we did!  To our friends!  And we made him cut it to get the job!  Oh, that’s a long time

ago!

30 – (A little surprised- rubs her face)

            (A much older lady now comes up behind 30)

90-  (slow, but still alert)  Is this the end of the line?

30 -  I think so.

90-  I hope you know – because if you don’t know when the end of the line is, you’ve got

problems.

30-  It is……the line stops here.

90-  Oh, my God!  (She peers at 30 and 60)  I can’t believe it!  It’s me!  I’m already in line1

60 -  No cuttsies!

   (60 and 90 laugh)

90 -  Amazing!  I thought after that corona stuff I’d seen everything, but…..this is very

different…..you two are…me!  Me, too – or is that three?

   (60 turns to 30 and asks)

60 -  What the hell is she talking about?

90  - You know!  We know!  We’re a very knowledgeable us!

60  - (Looking closely)  Is it possible? 

90 -  Of course it’s possible – in a line like this- anything is possible!

30 -  So, hold on, I mean,  (she turns looking at the two of them)….you are now both claiming to

be….

60/90 (together)  You!

    (90 looks 30 up and down)

90-  Hard to believe I used to be able to fit into that size!

60 -  Did we ever appreciate what we had?

   (30 looks at 60 and 90 and shudders)

90  - yep, this is what’s coming sweetie! 

60 -  And to think I was once you!

    (She looks at 90, then takes out a mirror)

60 -  Oh, no!  I am my own mother!

90 -  Quitcher bitchen – in 15 years you’ll be begging for that face back!

60- (Sighs, then smiles)  But Jacob still loves our face!

90 – (Smiles) Of course he does – otherwise, no dinner!

(90 and 60 laugh)

30 -  (Getting more annoyed)  There is no Jacob!

60 -  But soon…..

90 -  Best friend from college!  Ha!  It was his best friend from his high school!

60  - College!  Whew!  Our memory sure is going…..(sighs)  At least it all worked out ok…..

90 -  Thank God we saved those eggs…

30 -  (Looking in baskets)  What eggs?  None of us is buying eggs!

(60 and 90 laugh)

60 -  We got a funny feeling about Mr. Long- hair, so, we go behind his back and store some of

our eggs.

90-  And it was a good, thing, because getting chemo is not good for eggs!

30 -  I’m not sick!  I am in perfect health!

60 – Now we are, but just wait…..

90 -  It’s a twist you never anticipated……

60 -  And finding out hairy-boy never wanted kids, wanted you to live with him long enough so

that you’d be too old!  That was a good kick in the ass…..

30 -  I think I’m going to find another line….

            (Looks around, takes deep breath)

60 -  This is it.

90-  There is no other line.

30  (Horrified)  Is this some kind of…..existential dream I’m having?

60 – Don’t you wish? 

30 -  It must be – I never shop at Piggly Wiggly – I don’t live in the South!  I don’t have a

Southern accent!  It must be a dream! 

(From this point on, none of them has an accent)

60 -  How do you know? 

90 -  We know – and when we wake up, we’re going to make a call to the egg bank….just wait

and see…..

30 -  Wait a minute, the line is moving……Oh, that’s better!  It’s my turn after you….

            (60 offers her a place in front)

60 -  You can have my spot, you seem to be in a hurry….

90 -  (to 60)  We always were, weren’t we? 

30  -  I guess it’s easy to hallucinate waiting in line…..

90 -  Keep telling ourselves that…..

60 -  And you just have a good day! And please remember, everything is gonna be all right!

90 – We guaran-damn-tee it!

        (The 30 year old gives them a look, sighs and smiles)

30 -  Thank you for letting me get in front, I am in a rush, got off work late ……

            (30 takes her bag of groceries as 60 starts to unload. 90 grabs at 30s arm as she goes by)

90 -   Should we tell her what happens to Jacob?

30  -  How could I possibly know what happens?  (Takes a deep breath)   No need.  We all find

out.     

            (Phone rings, 30 answers.  60 and 90 look at each other and nod)

30 -  Yeah, I’m just waiting in this hellacious line!  What?  I thought it was just us

tonight…..who?  I don’t remember you telling me about anyone named…..

            (30 looks at 60 and 90, they smile at her)

30 -    Jacob.  (Listens)  I thought his name was Jack.  Oh, he was named Jacob after his

grandfather …..who just died…so he’s choosing to be called Jacob now……I guess I

remember…..isn’t he your buddy from  high school……

90 – (to 60, triumphant) I told you it was high school

            (60 just shakes her head, then thinks)

60-  Maybe you did.

30 -  (Annoyed)  Okay, ……No, it’s no problem.  It was just tonight was…you know, us. 

But….if it’s your best friend, and he’s only here a few days……(she looks at 60 and 90)

Not tomorrow morning….. I’m going to be busy …have to check a few things

out….about eggs…yeah, the cage free kind…..

 

            (She keeps talking as she continues to exit with her items, while 60 and 90 watch)

60 -  I can’t believe I was ever that young!

90 -  (looking at 60)  I can’t believe I was ever as young as you!

60  (lookng at 90)  I can’t believe I will be wearing sweat pants!

90 -  I can’t believe I remembered to put them on!

            (They laugh, then 90 grabs 60’s hand.)

90 -  What the hell are we waiting in this line for?  Let’s get some ice cream!

60 -  Sounds great!  Wait a minute…I have ice cream!  And it’s melting! 

        and  chocolate sauce and whipped cream and nuts!

90 – We always did love ice cream…..

            (90 points to her teeth-)

90-  But you can have the nuts….

60 -  We  may all be a little nuts……

90 -  That’s what dreams are for…….

60-  wait a minute.... 

(She digs in her purse and pulls out a face mask, waves it as the lights start to dim – 30 has checked out and waves at them, shakes her head and exits)

90 – And we thought those were weird days!  How many years ago was that?

60 -  The corona?  That was ancient history!

90 -  No, honey, we’re ancient history!

            (60 and 90 laugh as we have blackout)

 

            (The end.)